Desiderium
by Green1
Summary: Daito, Kensuke. Shounen-ai. Complete. Yamato has lost the love of his life and the only way for him to cope is to write the story down on paper.
1.

Title: Desiderium  
Rating: R   
Notes: This is an Daito and yaoi obviously. I should give OOC warning to all of my characters, just in case. This is a work in progress. If there is anything blaringly bad in this fic, tell me and I'll be happy to change it.  
Special Notes: This is more then likely terribly cliché. I don't care. I just wanted to write it.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any of the characters.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
July 27th, 2002  
Journal Entry: 1  
  
Hi I guess.   
  
...  
  
God! this just feels so weird! I've never written in a journal before. It's almost creepy to be doing this. It's just like I'm... Damn, what are they called? Schizoids? No. That doesn't sound right. Erm... Like those people who hear voices and talk to air. I can't remember what they're called, but that's what it feels like. Almost. I'm talking to a book, writing to a book. How is this therapy?  
  
My name is Yamato Ishida and this whole thing was the brain child of my little (in more the one way) brother Takeru. He was the one who suggested it. He's a writer, he says he knows these things. "Put it down like how I feel it," he said or something similar.  
  
I'm not sure if this'll work but if it gets him off my back then hey, here I am.   
  
I guess I should start by telling you some of my stats, journal (please don't tell me I have to name you. Please!) I'm 22 as of this year and I'm a great success in the singer and song writer business (mostly singer -- but I write my own songs. Mostly. All that other filler shit is the work of my label. What can I do?)  
  
I'm tall. Blond, blue eyed. Tall, willowy, and some have said that I'm deceptively strong (I work out four times a week. It helps me take my mind off... things.) I have a flat in Los Angelus, a nice cozy apartment in Seattle, a re-modeled dojo in Japan, and a couple vacation houses shattered here and there. I have more money then I'll ever be able to spend.  
  
Can you image that all this came to me in the last two three years? My life is the picture of bliss. I have everything I want. Everything.  
  
Okay. Okay. I'm lying. That was easy enough to admit too. Damn. See how terrible I am? I can't even lie to a stupid journal without feeling guilty.   
  
There is one thing I want. Need I guess you can put it. The thing that has fill my song with its words, the thing made my heart burst free, that gave me courage. My heart and soul. Yes. Stupid and romantic. I can't help it. He made me.  
  
And now he's gone. Lost to me forever. I hate thinking about it. I feel those damn tears, stupid waste of energy. The pain is curling and scratching at my stomach. My breath is a bit shorter. I feel antsy. I feel the most incredible wanting. I feel as if I can't breath because he's with me. I can't function because he is gone. That's how I feel when I think of him now.   
  
And all of that, all that shit I'm carrying with me, I put that in my songs. I guess that's why I'm popular. People eventually get sick of those teeny bobbers. That's okay. At least it allows me to not think of him.  
  
That's why my brother wants me to write in this. He says I'm throwing myself away for my songs and grief. He says it's not healthy. Like he knows how I feel. He's never had his heart ripped out. Never knew how it felt.  
  
Him. Him. Him. I guess you're wonder what his name is? Damn. His name is...  
  
...  
  
Damn it! It hurts to even write his name. Can't dot the 'I' and cross the 'T' so to speak. That's probably the most pathetic part of it. It's been so long and since it happened, I've neither spoken his name nor wrote it, yet my whole life is dependant upon it.   
  
Stupid me! Stupid me!  
  
Okay. Maybe that wasn't the most pathetic part of this whole story. Maybe the worst part is that I didn't know how important he was until he was gone. I didn't realize my own breath escaping me. I was so damn proud.  
  
Isn't it strange how that goes? You hear it everywhere. "Better to careful. Better watch out." But you never do anything. Oh, so-and-so is going to be just fine. Nothing is going to happen to them. Those other people are sad and are to be pitied, but they're not us.   
  
You have this huge fucking miracle dropped down onto your lap and you don't even realize it as it falls to the side.  
  
That's what happen to me. Fuck the person who said "It is better to have loved and lost, then to never love at all." I'm sure, journal, you can see the problem with that statement. Maybe in my own way I think I knew I love him. Maybe in the smallest, tiniest, mousiest way possible and that at least brought me something.  
  
What was it about him that made my insides become my outsides? I should be frank: he had the tightest ass. He was handsome. Had a jutty mass of umber hair that I always wanted to comb ("Don't touch the perfection!" he told me more then once.) His eyes were soft brown in color, but would change depending on his moods. You could always tell what he was thinking by just looking into his eyes. Calm and tranquil could mean either anger or peace, while when they swirled, he was excited.   
  
He was shorter then I. More of a wider built. A man made for brute work, not meant to be too smart or wizzy. He wasn't like that though. I swear half the time I couldn't tell if he were an idiot or a genius. He'd just say some of the more enlightening things...  
  
And he was so open and honest. "No point in dulling the edge," he'd tell me. I always admired that in him. That's him. That's my...  
  
...  
  
Okay. Why am I writing this? Because of my brother. Why am I thinking about all this? God help me, I don't know. Does it matter? Somehow I think it does. It hurts. I think you already know that. I don't need to try to describe that.   
  
Will this truly make me feel better? Will writing in this book and treating it as if it were my most valued friend help me? God, I hope so. Takeru thinks so at the very least. Have I already told you this? He's an author. Likes to write, thinks everyone should.   
  
Stupid really. This is all really stupid.  
  
I still wonder about him. Does he hate me? Still hate me after so long? Did he ever hate me?  
  
Daisuke Daisuke Daisuke! I wrote it! I wrote it!  
  
I still feel terrible. In fact, it makes me feel even worse. What right do I have to even think that name?  
  
GOD! What is wrong with me?  
  
...  
  
Okay. Okay. Maybe it'll be better. That's what I've heard from those shrinks and self-help books, even my friends ("Gotta get it all out," Taichi had said. "I can see it eating you alive. Is that what you want? Is that what Daisuke would've wanted?")  
  
So, here's how it's going to work. I'm willing to give this a try... I'll spill my entire saga, right from the beginning and then I'll be magically cured, right? I hope to god that's how it's going to be. And afterward... I think I shall burn you.   
  
Here goes:  
  
[April, 1998]  
  
Everything seemed to be going it's correct why that morning. I woke up at the crack of dawn like I always had, got dressed and ready for school, and made myself some breakfast. The only difference between this day and any other was that my father was still at work (some kind of marathon or what have you.)   
  
I left my apartment a thirty minutes before school started. The air was already warming and took my jacket off. It was too warm for that. Spring was here finally. And soon my graduation would follow. Freedom from the Hell that is known as High School.  
  
Although the school is only a few blocks from home, I usually go around back and through a lesser known entrance to avoid my fan club. I'm strange like that. I dislike having people fawning over me (it's okay the first couple times but it gets old quick.)  
  
I still don't know why I had a fan club back then. It was as if people were just attracted to me. I always thought it was my crest of friendship (I won't open that can of worms.) I've never had a shortage of friends, even though most would classify me as anti-social.  
  
The day breezed by for me. Math was just review, English was English (okay, I admit I'm weak in that subject. Still don't know the difference between adverbs and adjectives.) Same old, same old. Not that I hate that. That's my ideal day.  
  
Sooner then later, school was out and I was free for another afternoon of prolonged homework. No band practice today (yes, I do believe I mentioned about that I'm a singer.) Damn. Straight home for me. *Maybe dad will be home.*  
  
I crept out my same secret way (now, you'd think my fan club would have realized how I escape them by now. I guess it's a good thing they didn't.) There was a slight breeze that carried the smell of flowers, spring, and fresh air on it. Wonderful.   
  
I stepped out of the narrow, hedged path onto a paved sidewalk and proceeded to go along my way home. I stopped and looked around me. Someone was watching me. I could feel the creepy, sticky feeling wash over me. *God, please don't say my fan club found me!*  
  
There! Leaning against a tree. Arms crossed and head tilted, a smirk on the man's features. He looked faintly familiar. *How...?* "Hello?" I called out to the shadowy figure.  
  
The man pushed off and walked over to him. "Hi!" Daisuke chirped, almost bouncing in his excitement.  
  
Wow. That's struck me. Daisuke was the last person I'd except to see watching me. Was he stalking me too? The idea made me shiver. "Ah, hi," was all I could say back.   
  
*No no no! Of course he's not stalking me. He must just want to ask me about something. He is my heir or something so naturally he'd come to me for help.* That made me feel better. Still, that strange smile he had playing on his face. Filled with such child-like happiness. *He's smiling like that for me?*  
  
*No! No! No! Of course not. Get your mind out of the --*   
  
I shook my head. *Stop it!*  
  
"You don't remember?" asked Daisuke, his head cocked slightly to the side and the beautiful smile melted away. A strange look of anger swept his features for but a second before being replaced by another smile, a fake one this time. "Aren't you supposed to be a role model for me or something?"  
  
I shook my head again. What was I supposed to remember? I hadn't even talking to him for a week at the least. "Remember what?"  
  
He threw up his hands and sighed dramatically. He turned and walked a few paces from me, hands on hips and shaking his head. "I called you last week, remember? I asked if you could go with me to the comedy place, remember?" He looked over his shoulder and gave me the most adorable look.  
  
Still, I didn't remember. I looked to the ground as I played back the events of the week. Still nothing. I felt my brows knit together. "What? I don't remember any of that." Of course it was possible that I had forgotten. I had a bad tendency to do that, especially when people wanted things out of me. "What do you need me to go anyway?"  
  
Daisuke sighed again and turned around. His hands were still on his hips, a look of strain over his features. If I hadn't know better, I would have guessed Daisuke was getting annoyed. I had never seen him like that, but I still don't remember any phone call.  
  
"I need someone eighteen or over to get me into the place." His eyes were pleading softly for me to agree. 'One night, just one night.' they said. Daisuke said, "Come on, Yamato. It won't do you any harm to get away from all your adoring fans."  
  
I sighed under my breath. He was right. I'd probably have a couple dozen messages on my answering machine, my father (if he was home) would probably give me that annoyed look. But to get away... it might be fun. "Fine, fine. Just this once." I eyed him wearily as he broke out into a 'I'm-too-happy' loop-sided grin. "But you're covering my entrance fee you realize, right?"  
  
He nodded, almost to the point of giggling. I'd never seen him like this. It was contagious. I suddenly felt the need to smile as well. "We have to go now." He grabbed my arm and started to pull me down the road. "You have to change and knowing you..." He tsked softly, allowing the sentence to trail off.  
  
"Knowing me? What's that supposed to mean?" I tried to sound hurt.  
  
Daisuke stopped for a moment, obviously considering what he was going to say. "You seem like the type who likes to primp in front of the mirror for a couple hours," he said finally, pulling me before I could give any sort of response.  
  
*---*  
  
We walked to my apartment, still hand-in-hand (even though I tried to pry myself from his grip a few times), in silence. Once up in the apartment, Daisuke pushed me into the bathroom. "Clean yourself," he said. "I'll have some clothes picked out for you and placed in front of the bathroom door when you're done."  
  
I took a long, leisurely shower (at least half-an-hour) and found the cloths folded outside the door when I was done. There was black slacks for the pants and a tight, white turtle neck for the shirt. I couldn't have picked any better myself.  
  
I padded out into the living room, trying to find Daisuke. He poked his head out of the kitchen and looked over me critically to the point that I was blushing furiously. There was something to the look that I wasn't sure I liked (or hated for that matter.) "That'll do, I guess," he said finally.  
  
He ushered me into the kitchen and sat me down at the table. "I made some food for us," he said. "I don't want you to get hungry there. I don't have enough money to cover it." He set a plate of food down and I gave into the sudden hunger. It was some kind of rice (jasmine rice?) with grilled chicken strips and mixed veggies.   
  
To my surprise, the food as actually good. Much better then my cooking. Then again, didn't he want to be a cook of some sort?  
  
Daisuke seemed to enjoy the fact that I liked his cooking and smiled as I cleaned my plate. He got up and took it from me, proceeding to wash the dished. I let him to this, feeling a tinge of guilt, but then again, I was doing a favor for me (giving away a whole night is a big sacrifice.)  
  
He finished the chore and put the dishes away. A few second later, we were out the door. I tried to ask him why he had picked me for this (esp. when Taichi would've like it better) but he just shrugged and said a few somethings under his breath (I couldn't hear what). I let it drop.  
  
We arrived at the comedy place just as the sun was setting. The man took out tickets and showed us to a table up front. Daisuke ordered a coke, and I the same (why not? This might be worthy enough to break my 'not-caffeine' law.)  
  
The performers were good, obviously professionals, and I did truly enjoy myself. Daisuke kept me in a good enough supply of cokes that by the time it was over, I was wired and jumpy.  
  
"That was great!" he said, lacing his fingers behind his head as we walked to his place (I agreed to walk him home. He was younger then I and I do have a some sense of responsibility.)  
  
I nodded, laughing a little, and said: "It was! How'd you get tickets to a place like that?"  
  
He didn't answer for a minute, seeming to turn it over in his head a couple times. "Ken gave them to me."  
  
I looked at him through the corners of my eyes. Oh yes, I had forgotten. Daisuke was gay. He had that crush on Ken at one time. Ken had told the whole group after we ganged up on him, asking him why Daisuke was so down. From then on, Miyako had become a tyrant about letting those two be alone. "Why didn't he go?" Of course I knew the answer, still...  
  
Daisuke shook his head and smiled wistfully. "I think he wanted to go. I think he wanted me to ask him to go with him so he wouldn't feel guilty."  
  
"Why would he feel guilty?" I asked.  
  
Daisuke looked at me as if I were an idiot. Maybe the question was stupid. "He's going out with Miyako, remember?"  
  
Yes, I did. The perfect couple. The 'chosen' couple so to speak (we all thought Takeru and Hikari would get together, but they never did.) "Yes, yes," I said, waving my hand. "And you're not one to break that up if you had the chance?"  
  
He looked hurt and I immediately felt back. It was a cheep shot. "I do have some moral and I don't beg. Ever." He pushed on ahead of me in silence.  
  
We walked as such, him slightly in front and me dogging him slightly from behind. I couldn't let him go home alone, not matter how mad he was.   
  
I stopped as we walked into the shadow of his apartment building. "Well, here you go," I said. Daisuke had stopped and was turning around. "Thanks for inviting me. It was fun."  
  
I turned to go and was stopped by a hand on my arm.   
  
"I'm sorry, Yamato," he said, letting my arm go. I turned to face him. "It still hurts, I guess." He shook his head. "He had his chance once, and he let it go by. I'm not the type to wait for love to find me, if you know what I mean."  
  
I shook my head. Why was he telling me this? Oh right, the mentor thing. I would have to give me some good advice about love and the like (even though I knew less then he.)  
  
"To tell you the truth, I've found someone else."  
  
I smiled slightly. "Good for you. I hope it goes well."   
  
He smiled and his eyes drooped almost seductively. I didn't like that look. He grabbed my arm again and pulled me slowly to him, until I could feel his heart beat and smell his musky, cigarette-night clubby scent. He raised himself onto his toes and kissed my lips softly, butterfly kiss, and stepped down.  
  
"What?" My mind was reeling. There was no way Daisuke could like *me*. Of everyone out there in the whole wide world, he couldn't possibly like *me*. No one really ever wanted me. No one had even kissed me. I'm an 18 year old virgin and that was my first kiss! Oh my GOD!  
  
But Daisuke shrugged and smiled mysteriously. "I'll see you soon. Tomorrow?"  
  
I nodded numbly and walked home in a stupor.  
  
*---*  
  
I had no school the next day (either that or I just didn't go to school. Can't remember which.) so I slept in late, until two or so in the afternoon if I remember correctly. (I'm like that, when I get the chance to sleep, I do it.) Anyway, I slept in late and probably would've continued sleeping if it weren't for the phone interrupting my time of bliss. I let out a faint, muffled growl and reached for the phone, still asleep.  
  
"'Allo?" I mumbled, smacking my lips softly and stretching my shoulders. I've always hated the feeling of being interrupted so carelessly when sleeping. This phone called had better be good. Someone had to have died. Someone had to be critical care... Or something equally terrible.  
  
"Yamato?" said a much to happy sounding voice. Daisuke. Why they hell was he calling me so damn early? "Were you sleeping?"  
  
*No shit Sherlock,* I thought and said: "Yes. What else would I be doing now?"  
  
An amused chuckle filtered out of the phone. "Let's see? Doing work? Being a school? Working with your band?" There was a long pause. I almost hung up. "I'll pick you up in half an hour. Be ready."  
  
"Why?" Be ready for what? Fuck that, I'm going to sleep. Still to early...  
  
"I thought it would be fun going out. That cool new movie is starting... And then their is that restaurant."  
  
Eh? He wants to go out on a date. I remembered the kiss and my cheeks blushed slightly. "Listen... Daisuke. I'm tired and I need sleep. I don't --"   
  
"I'll see you then." A click and the annoying buzzing sound in the ear phone.  
  
*Damn.* I groaned and rolled out of bed, swaying to my feet. *I will a nice talk with that red-head when he got here. Yes, yes I will.* One small, tiny kiss isn't going to make me go out with him. No. I have no desire to become attached to someone like him.  
  
I sniffed disdainfully. *But first: shower.*  
  
t.b.c. 


	2. 

Title: Desiderium  
Rating: R   
Notes: This is an Daito and yaoi obviously. I should give OOC warning to all of my characters, just in case. This is a work in progress. If there is anything blaringly bad in this fic, tell me and I'll be happy to change it. Review if you like. Review if you don't like. Or don't review at all.  
Special Notes: This is more then likely terribly cliché. I don't care. I just wanted to write it.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any of the characters.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
I closed my eyes and turned my face into the showers spray, letting it drench me. How was I going to tell Daisuke? What would be the best way? My lips twinged and I turned around, letting my back get warmed by the water. Daisuke seemed fragile through his courageous front. He had asked Ken and was turned down. No one had seen him after that for a month or two. Would that happen when I turn him down?  
  
I scrubbed myself slowly, deliberately, remembering the small kiss. It made me flush bright red. It hadn't hurt, had felt good in fact. A kiss from a boy who he hardly knew. My first kiss. I shook my head. That just sounded so pathetic.   
  
But I was in no mood to think of my sexual disfunctionality. I had to come up with a plan to rid myself of Daisuke. With my eyes firmly shut, I began to imagine the situation.  
  
Daisuke would come here, all smiles and giggles. Of course, I'd be slightly frowny and of a more adult look. I might even cross my arms. Yes, I like to look of that. Now, he'd come and cling to me, maybe even try to kiss me, but no! I'd set him down and tell him straight.  
  
'Daisuke, I have too much to worry about. I can't handle a relationship right now.' That sounded perfectly nice and clean and if he were to look sobby, I'd add, 'Besides, I don't even like men like that so it's not you personally.' That would work.  
  
Except, isn't Ken with Miyako? And so Daisuke knew he was straight... and still he went into seclusion... Damn it! I don't know.  
  
I'll just tell him how I feel it. Straight and to the point. Then I'll see him out my door. He can sob on my door step but he has to learn that I'm *not* up on auction.   
  
I scrubbed myself over again, listening for the door bell over the showers sound. Nothing had come. I waited and waited and still nothing at the door. Not a knock or bell or anything. I must have waited a good thirty minutes before I decided to get out.  
  
No point waiting it out in the shower. My lips twitched a bit as my eye brows knitted together as I dried myself off with a cotton towel. *He did say he was going to come over, right? His apartment isn't so far away from mine. He should have been here by now.*   
  
I shook my head. What's wrong with me? He said he'd be right over. I remember hearing him say that quite clearly. I can't believe I'd start second guessing myself. I looked around the compact bathroom. *Where are my cloths? Where?* Ah! They had fallen over to the side of the toilet. I grabbed the first and shrugged it on.  
  
Still no sound of Daisuke. The strangest thought occurred at that very moment. What if the red-head had somehow managed to get inside the apartment? What if he walked in on me naked? Well, almost naked, but still. I gulped slightly and rushed the rest of the cloths on.  
  
I peaked my head out of my bathroom and listened. No one. *This is silly, acting like a child. I'm older and stronger then he is. He just kissed me. Nothing big. Not life changing or anything. I mean, how could he get in? The door's locked and he doesn't have the key.*  
  
I blinked a couple times and walked to the door, testing the door knob. Locked as it had been before I got into the shower..  
  
I closed my eyes and leaned against the door. Save and sound. A loud whoosh of air came out of me. Safe. No stalker Daisuke to deal with here. And when he did come, he'd get a huge, fucking ear full! No one messed with my mind like this! I wouldn't stand for it!  
  
I walked into the living room and slumped down on an old gray sofa and waited. I had a good vantage view of the front door and was ready to spring into action at the drop of a hat. I raised my chin on my hand and stared at the door in anticipation.  
  
And I waited and waited and drummed my fingers against the arm support and waited and paced around the room and waited and...   
  
The phone rang! I almost grabbed it. My hand was poised in the air right over it, itching to grab the receiver. *But what if it's Daisuke?* That stopped my hand. I fell into my couch and sat still as I let it ring once, twice, three times and finally the answering machine take over.  
  
There was a gruff laugh. "Hey, Yamato. I didn't think you'd be home." -- It was my father. I sighed disappointed -- "I think we need some milk, I used the last of it before I went back to work. Anyway, there should be some money on the kitchen table if you could run to the corner store. Thanks and have fun!" Another laugh and a beep and the apartment fell silent.  
  
*Damn it.* How long had it been since Daisuke had called saying he would be right over? I eyed the clock disdainfully. Around two o'clock if I remember correct. What time was it now? Almost three-thirty? Where was he?   
  
I stood and grabbed the a twenty from the kitchen table (more then enough for milk. My father wouldn't be home tonight.) and put on my shoes at the door. I stuffed both the money and a key into my pocket and locked the door behind me as I left the apartment. It was nice and warm and sunny out and the sun shone down on my cheerfully.  
  
It was a shame it didn't fit my mood at all. Why was that? Whenever you're angry, it's always nice and happy out. It's like the world is taunting you. Ha Ha, having a bad day? Here! Have a wonderful dose of *sunshine*!  
  
The store was only a block away from my apartment; Sunshine Shop was it's name (ironic, I know). I all but stormed in there and grabbed a carton of milk. I passed the candy isle and didn't even bother to stopped for a coke (okay, so maybe I don't keep my 'no caffeine' rule up to par as I should.) I paid the man, pocketed my change, and stormed back onto the street.  
  
Daisuke had better have called or be there or *something*. No one ruined my day like this. No one left Ishida Yamato waiting! No one had been foolish enough. If anyone was going to do the dumping, it was going to be *me*! How dare he take me out then just... forget me! And after I had such a great speech set up for him!  
  
I broke into a brisk jog and got back to my apartment in under five. I threw my key on the table and walked to the answering machine. No new messages. No Daisuke.  
  
This wasn't a possibility. I wasn't going to handle this. No one goes out with me and then dumps me like this without any cause! How dare he! I'd been waiting for over an hour for me and nothing!   
  
Did he think he could walk all over me and nothing would happen to him? I turned and walked out of my apartment, making sure to grab the key again. No. I'd have my lovely chat with him at his place if he wanted. Just as long as he got it through his head that it wasn't right to pick on him!  
  
It never crossed my mind exactly why I was behaving as such. I don't know. Maybe I truly did want him to come over and maybe even kiss me again. Maybe I didn't have the balls to admit that. I don't know.  
  
*---*  
  
"Yamato!" Daisuke had the nerve to sound surprised as he opened the door. Cutely surprised. He smiled. "What are you doing here?"  
  
It only added to my annoyance. How dare he look so innocent? How dare he be so cute? *Don't think like that. Daisuke looked like every other man out there on the street! I don't see myself making to kiss them as well!* "Daisuke," I said between clenched teeth. "May I come in?"  
  
Daisuke nodded and moved away. He closed the door after me. "My family isn't home," he walked to the living room, "Is there anything you want to talk about?"  
  
"Well, I don't know," I grinned internally at his wince, "how about we start with the fact that you didn't show up like you said."  
  
Daisuke's fake smile feel from his face in an instant, taking along with it all it's supposed happiness. I shifted a little, unconsciously. A frown replaced the smile and his face became downcast and sad. (*Damn it, don't fall for that, Yamato!* I chided myself.) He turned away from me and hung his head. "I... I... ah," he looked over his shoulder at me, imploring me, before his gaze fell back to the ground.  
  
I waited calmly, my crossed arms my only sign of impatience. I was resolved not to let this display move me at all.  
  
"I didn't think you'd want me to come," he admitted and I had to strain to catch his words. "I know you don't like me and everything." His voice was so soft and sad, it cracked and wobbled with each word. "So I thought, why bother him with yourself?"  
  
"I, ah," My resolve faltered and fell aside. I felt immediately bad for tone and attitude. There I saw, storming and ranting to myself about how terrible the red-head boy was and all the had thought about was me. What kind of person am I?  
  
He turned and looked at me with almost begging eyes. "I'm sorry. About last night. About everything." His eyes shimmered a little. (*Are those tears?*) "I won't bother you ever again." He moved to usher me out.  
  
I stopped him. I couldn't allow myself to be this monster. I felt it was my duty to make it up to him. Tears didn't belong in those beautiful brown eyes. "Well, I have some money and there is a good movie playing." I made a weak attempt at a smile. "How about it? My treat."  
  
He shook his head sorrowfully. "I can't. I've taken up too much of your time as it is and --"  
  
"I insist," I interjected. He smiled a little, looked a bit hopeful. *Damn it, Yamato, how do you get yourself into these things?* "Besides, that's, ah, what I wanted to talk with you about anyway." *Such a cheesy liar.* "I hate going to the movies alone." *How can you lead him on like this?*  
  
His whole countenance brighten to a blinding exuberance. Happiness flickering in his brown eyes, making them dance. Happiness and something else... satisfaction?   
  
I shook my head. At least someone's happy about this. But it was just one night. One night wouldn't do anything to me. "Come on," I said, trying to keep the note of tiredness out of my voice. "I don't know when the next show starts. Hopefully we'll get into the cheep showings."  
  
Daisuke nodded and ran into his bedroom. "If we're going to the movies, I insist on paying for dinner."  
  
"Dinner?" *No no no no no. Don't let this turn into something, Yamato.* "Hey, I don't have time to go to dinner!"  
  
He was in the kitchen, scribbling something on paper. Probably didn't even hear me. Or didn't bother to answer me. "Let's go!" he said and was out the door, bouncing.  
  
I shook my head and followed, almost smiling myself. Almost. Just a movie and *maybe* dinner, but that was it. After that, I'd set the red-head straight. One maybe dinner wouldn't hurt anyone... and it might get Daisuke off my back once he saw how boring really I am.  
  
I had to run a bit to catch up with him. "Hey, hey, slow down," I said, grabbing his arm. "I'm not as young as you, ya know?"  
  
He rolled his eyes skyward. "Right. And what are you? Eighty?"  
  
"Older then you." He snorted and I grinned widely. "So where are you taking me to?" He eyed me questionably, innocently. "Hey, you're the one who ran out and I'm only following."  
  
He stopped and nodded, grinning sheepishly. "Sorry. Got ahead of myself. Where to?"  
  
"The theater, remember? That'a' way." I turned and started to walk in the other direction. Daisuke followed quickly and matched my pace by my side.  
  
"Which one? I didn't know there was one over here."   
  
"Tower theaters. Have you been there?" The Tower theaters played only the most eccentric and strange bunch of movies around, movies that the main stream theaters wouldn't carry. It seemed like a perfect place to take him, a nice documentary to cool down any fire in the red-heads pants.  
  
"Never been there."  
  
I grinned and nodded. "Didn't think you had. But I heard they had the most interesting film on the mating behaviors of African wasps."  
  
"Ooh."  
  
*---*  
  
I could barely stand it! My hands were clenched and I'm doing all that I could not to make a sound but damn it, I can only do so much. Tear were forming in the corner of my eyes and I felt as if I were hyperventaling.  
  
Small bubbles of laughter fell from my lips. I couldn't stop it! I threw my head back and let the laughter flood out of my mouth. I bent over, trying to regain myself. The tears were now streaming and I was making a strange wheezing sound, but I didn't care.   
  
I looked up to see the triumph in Daisuke's brown eyes. "Damn you," I whispered, still laughing.  
  
He shrugged, a grin on his lips. "I was only pointing out the obvious. Besides, it's not like anyone else is here so it really doesn't matter."  
  
A deep breath and another out. A deep breath in and out. In and out. I sat back up and eye the red-head wearily when I finally came back to myself. "I'm trying to watch the movie."  
  
"You were just about to drool on my shoulder," he said, turning in the seat to face me. "I had to push you off me four times." He shook his head, crossed his arms, and sighed heavily.  
  
"They usually have good movies here," I defended, my voice a tad whiny. I closed my eyes as I looked back at the screen. The movie was so bad it hurt to look at it.  
  
He shrugged again. "How about we ditch the movie? I am kinda hungry."  
  
I sighed. It was five dollars a ticket, too expensive for my book and then to just walk out and waste the money? Or should I try to stick it out here? Which was worse? Pain or wasted money? "Fine, fine." *It means the sooner I get away from him. Good trade off,* I decided with a slight nod. Good excuse.  
  
The sun was still high in the sky when we walked out and started down the street. "Um, do you really want to get food?"  
  
He gave me the 'get-food-or-I'm-eating-your-arm' look.  
  
I gulped. "Know of any places down here?"  
  
He shook his head and scanned the street. "Come on, Yamato. Don't you bring all your dates here?"  
  
I felt a tinge of blush on my cheeks. *How dare he mock me? And this is not a date!* "Ha ha. No. Only you Daisuke. You're special." I felt my eye brows come together and I tried to think of someplace to eat. "I don't know of a place to be truthful. I don't usually eat out. Waste of money I think. I'd rather buy band equipment."   
  
He pursed his lips. "Well, how about that place?" He pointed to a small restaurant across, and down a few shops, the street.  
  
I shook my head. "Little Rome. Never heard of it."  
  
Daisuke laughed and headed across the street. "There it is then."   
  
I rushed to follow him. Must he always run? We stopped in front of the door. There was a sea of window with a door in the middle. 'Little Rome' was painted above the door in pretty, curvy lettering adorned with grape leaves and flowers. It looked quaint and comfortable.  
  
"This they serve Roman food or Greek?" He looked at me.  
  
I shook my head. "How would I know?"  
  
His answer of a rather cute impish grin. (*Stop it, Yamato!*) "Let's find out?" He grabbed my arm and pulled me into the store.  
  
*---*  
  
"Really?" I leaned closer to the table, making sure my shirt didn't flop into my almost empty plate. To think Hikari and Sora were now dating. Wow. The one other person I ever 'went out' with was lesbian. It somehow made me feel less then a man.  
  
Daisuke nodded, a look of merriment dancing in his eyes. "I told them they have nothing to worry about. The chosen don't care about such things, right?"   
  
I nodded. "I just wish she had told me. I feel stupid for going out with her." I looked down at my plate. "What if she... decided she hated me because of me?  
  
His eye brow arched. "I can't see why. I wouldn't let you go if I had my claws in you like that."  
  
I blushed and sat back. "Well, what about you and Hikari?"  
  
He laughed. "What about it?" He shrugged. "Hey, I was a kid back then and what could I do? Proclaim my love for the Kaiser?" He shook his head mournfully. "I had to vent my pent up emotions somehow."  
  
"I think we would have flayed you back then." I moved the remaining spaghetti strings around on my plate. Who would have know this place was Italian? I looked out the window. Damn, where had the time gone? It was already getting dark.  
  
To my surprise, I wasn't bored or afraid of talking in front of Daisuke and he seemed to be a lot more knowledgeable then he let on. He smiled and nodded and even laughed at my jokes (of course telling me he'd work with me on that.) But he never let me feel stupid.  
  
It's surprisingly refreshing to be around someone like that. I wasn't afraid once to speak my mind. And now I felt a strange tinge of sadness that this night was already spent. The last night of anything between us already gone.  
  
Daisuke nodded, seemingly understand my thoughts. "It is getting dark. I'll be right back." He got up, with the check, and paid at the cash register. He smiled at me as he came back. "Let's go then."  
  
I got up and walked out of the restaurant. The chilly night air hit me head on, causing me to pause slightly and remember that I hadn't yet given him my speech. I looked at him as we walked. Well, now's as good as any time. One two three: "Now Daisuke, this was fun but this can't go on. You are... well you and I'm me. We don't really seem good together, now do we?"  
  
"Eh?" Daisuke looked at me as if I had grown a second head. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"You know... the movie and dinner? Ring a bell? Just happened a couple minutes ago."  
  
He gave me a blank look then smiled as if it all dawned on him. "Yeah. It was fun getting out with old friends." Something passed over his face that I couldn't read and we walked the rest of the way home in silence.  
  
My mind kept repeating what had happened last night. He kissed me before we parted before. Over and over it played the sweet kiss. Will we kiss again tonight? Why do I feel such anticipation? Maybe it was just inexperience that made me think of it. I guess if I had had a lot more practice in that area of life, such a tiny thing would be nothing, but there is was, filling my mind with its sweet tease.  
  
Daisuke gave me no hints of similar thoughts. He walked peacefully by my side, never glancing my way. Not a blush or a hint of that look he had on last night. *Will he kiss me?*  
  
I shook my head. *Bad bad bad! Don't think like that!* I gulped down a breath of fresh air. It didn't clear my head. *One kiss and I'm gone. I don't even like him. Not like that...* Well, that was semi-truth. He was very handsome, muscular, red-haired. Everything in the right places as much as I could tell.  
  
*Stop thinking about that!*  
  
I closed my eyes for a second. *No. I won't let myself fall so easily. Besides, Daisuke is a guy! That's just... that's, ah, gross.*  
  
"Well, it was fun," I said as I lead him to the door for his apartment building. "So, friends still?" I laughed nervously, excepting him to jump me. "Next time we should invite the others. Maybe even get Ken away from Miyako for a night."  
  
Daisuke stopped, turned and smiled. There was not hint of malice in the smile, just humor. "Next time? Would you like that? A next time." He walked over to me, his smile brightening.  
  
The strange anticipation hit me like a wave in my stomach. *He's going to kiss me!* a part of my whooped in joy, sending it's happiness throughout my body. *I'm going to get another kiss!*  
  
Daisuke looked up at me, his fluid eyes questioning.  
  
*Yes! Yes! YES!* my own answered in spite of my better judgment.  
  
But he turned, smile still there, even growing a little, and started back for the door.  
  
*He can't go! He can't!* that same stupid part of my cried in despair. *No!* "Daisuke!" I said, blinking when I realized I actually said it out loud. *What's wrong with me?* Daisuke stopped again and turned to me, again hitting me with those eyes. "Er, thanks." My face flushed under the penetrating gaze. "We can get Taichi and the others to come. I'm sorry for the Ken joke... thing... Yeah..."  
  
To my surprise, Daisuke threw his head back and barked in laughter; a rich warmth that spread even further through me, waking parts that shouldn't be awakening. "You are too cute, you know that?"  
  
I flushed and shook my head. *How could I be so stupid? Fawning over him like some school girl.* "Ah, goodnight then." I turned and felt a warm hand on my arm.  
  
"Why can't you ask? What's so hard?" He turned me to him, his hand kneading my arm. "Just say 'Daisuke, I want you to kiss me' and I will. I promise" He raised himself up a little and rubbed his cold nose in the curve of my neck. He was warm and smelled of the Italian food and something else, something wonderful, deliciously Daisuke. I stiffened slightly and he nibbled my neck. "So cute," he murmured as he raised his head to meet mine. His eyes implored me gently.  
  
He wants me to ask? Me? Ask him? I couldn't do anything of the like! It was wrong to even think of it, but those soft, round lips were beckoning. I could just feel them... Fuck it! "Kiss me, please!" I breathed and he obliged. He pressed his lips against mine hard, moving against mine, teaching me. Beautiful. I felt his tongue smooth along my bottom lip and my own parted on their own.  
  
Daisuke pulled back with a chuckle at me hurt look. He gave me a soft butterfly kiss and pulled away. "Not on the second date, Mato-chan." A smile curved gracefully on his face. "But maybe the third. What do you say?"  
  
*Did he just reject me?* No, but nothing more until the next date. My whole being was screaming in frustration. In spite of everything, "Mato-chan?" was all I could get out.  
  
He giggled softly. "Still want to go out with me?"  
  
It seemed like a ludicrous question to ask but I nodded anyway.  
  
"I'll call you, Mato-chan."  
  
I nodded and he disappeared inside his building. I stood there, watching for a couple long minutes. *What have I gotten myself into this time?* But I smiled. It was nice somehow.  
  
And that, my dear journal, was the start of our very weird relationship. Maybe I do feel better writing it down.   
  
t.b.c. 


	3. 

Title: Desiderium  
Rating: R   
Notes: This is an Daito and yaoi obviously. I should give OOC warning to all of my characters, just in case. This is a work in progress. If there is anything blaringly bad in this fic, tell me and I'll be happy to change it. Review if you like. Review if you don't like. Or don't review at all.  
Special Notes: This is more then likely terribly cliché. I don't care. I just wanted to write it.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any of the characters.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Waiting is like crawling on sand paper. It's like dumping peroxide on an open wound, like being hungry and having all sorts of good food smells whirling around it. I can't stand waiting, especially if I'm worrying as well.  
  
Daisuke didn't call me the next day or today. I have not even see him or heard him mentioned by the others. Here I am, like a child, waiting in my apartment, hoping to get a phone call.  
  
But I couldn't do anything about it! I've turned my room upside down looking for his number. Nothing. What if he were hurt? What if something happened to him? Or maybe this was like what happened the other night.   
  
No, Daisuke had said he was going to call. Had all but hinted that we were a 'couple'. He wouldn't have let me hang for this long.   
  
By the second night, my dad was clued in that something was wrong. We were eating tuna helper with chicken substitute, each with a piece of French bread and a coke. "You look down, depressed. Why?" He had his eyes on him and he gave me his best 'I'm your father, I understand everything' look.  
  
I forced a laugh and shook my head. "Why'd you say that?" My smile was fake, but I didn't think he'd be able to tell the difference. What could I say? 'Well, my boyfriend hasn't called like he said he would and so I'm worried.'  
  
Though it probably would be best to tell him I'm -- no, I'm not gay. Bi maybe, but not gay. Not totally. I chewed on my French bread thoughtfully. Was it possible to be half gay or a quarter? Why don't I know these things about myself?  
  
*Because you yelp and run whenever someone tries to kiss you?* his annoyance said.  
  
My father nodded. "It's someone, isn't it?" He ripped off a bit of French bread. "You have a crush or an actual girlfriend?" he asked over his bread.  
  
I felt an embarrassing blush tinge my cheeks. "Ah..."  
  
My father laughed gruffly. "You should bring her home... or him. I think it's perfectly normal to be in a relationship when you're young. Don't feel ashamed."  
  
My mouth dropped open. Why this sudden interest in my love life? "Ah, sure. I'll bring *him* home."  
  
My father shrugged. "Why would I care if it were a girl or boy? You're finally seeing that you're young, finally getting interested in teenage things. You're eighteen. That's how it should be." He wiped his mouth off and carried the plate to the sink. "I was beginning to be worried about you."  
  
I opened my mouth to retort when the phone started to ring shrilly. I jumped up and my father laughed as I dived to get it. (I've been doing this for the past two days. He finds it funny that I bang myself.) "Hello. Ishida residence."  
  
"Mato-chan!" I heard a happy chirp.  
  
"Daisuke?" I look up to see my father nodded with a smug smile on his lips. He gave me the thumbs up and I turned around, blushing. "What happened?" I tried to keep the strain out of my voice.  
  
"I'm sorry, Mato-chan. I've just had business to take care off. I've been looking all over town for a decent math tutor. Do you know how hard it is to find one these days?"  
  
I shifted a little. "Can I have your number then?" For some reason, that just sounded so dirty, so I added: "In case you can't get a hold of me."  
  
Daisuke laughed through the phone. "Sure thing. Gotta pen and paper?"  
  
I looked around and grabbed a discarded pen and a piece of paper from my printer. "Shot."  
  
"'Kay. 555-1035. Don't worry about Jun, she's got another crush who has been keeping her busy."  
  
"5-5-5-1-0," I mumbled as I wrote, "what were the last two numbers?"  
  
"555-1035," he repeated slowly.  
  
I finished and stuffed the number into my jeans. "Thanks. So... what's up?"  
  
"I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me tonight. Jun and her boy-toy are going up to the mountains to do some star gazing. I thought it would be cool."  
  
"Oh." I looked around and found my dad staring at me. 'Can I go out?' I mouthed silently and he nodded. "Sure," I said, smiling. "Do you want me to go over there?"  
  
I could almost feel his head shaking. "Nah, we'll pick you up. It's a really nice spot, about an hour or so out of town."  
  
"That sounds great! So I'll see you soon?"  
  
"Yup! Ten fifteen minutes at most. I gotta go." He made some weird kissing sound into the phone. "Bye!"  
  
"Bye." He hung up and I let the receive fall back into the holder.  
  
*---*  
  
Bright yellow-white lights of buildings streamed passed us. Red lights, the tails of cars, taunted us from ahead, and a synthetic light filled our vision, almost trying to make us forget that it was night. Jun was driving with both hands on the wheel, scooted up to the window a little too close for comfort. Her boyfriend (someone who looked too much like Jyou's older brother for comfort) sat passively, not worried. They chit-chatted to each other, too low for me to hear. Not that I'd want to hear.  
  
Daisuke sat in the middle, next to me, on the lumpy car seat. He occasionally looked at me and flashed me a smile of encouragement. He had his hand on mine and his head on my shoulder. His leg was pressed warmly against mine. I was blushing, but I didn't care (besides, who could see?)  
  
"Sorry," he mouthed with his beautiful, full pouty lips. I wanted to kiss those lips, just to be certain they were truly there. How silly of me to have such thoughts.  
  
I shook my head and shrugged non-chalantly. With Daisuke as close and warm, next to me, it was hard to keep my thoughts straight. I wanted to kiss him, touch him, hold him... I wanted to ask him questions about himself. What did he like? What made him happy?   
  
I diverted my gaze and attention to the blurry, darkened images of the outside night world.  
  
Daisuke sighed softly. It was impossible to know what he was thinking. Did he think I was mad at him? Was that why he was sighing? Was I making him sigh? I shifted a little, hesitantly put an arm around his shoulder, scrunching him to me.  
  
The little shift didn't go unnoticed. "No funny play, kids." I caught Jun's eyes in the rear-view mirror. She was talking to me, warning me.  
  
We rode in silence together. I soaked up his warmth, becoming warm through it. He rubbed his nose on my shoulder. "I am sorry," he said softly, almost not even talking, but with a more force. A lot more worry.  
  
He was looking up at me and I turned my head to caught his eyes. Those liquid brown eyes were churning, misty, sad. I smiled, hoping to wave the misty away. "Why are you worried?" I asked, kneading his shoulder with my hand. He dropped his head back on my shoulder and bit his lip. "Your school is important. I can't imagine myself taking you away from that. I should be the one to say I'm sorry." I paused, hesitant to ask. *Ah well.* "What happened between you and Ken?"  
  
He frowned and didn't say anything for a minute. "Miyako got all PMS-y, I think. She doesn't like us to be together alone at all." He shook his head. "I have no idea why but there you have it."  
  
I could understand that. Once I started to think about it, I don't like those two spending time together alone either. What if Ken decided he truly wanted Daisuke? Then I'd lose him for sure. I rubbed small circles in his palm with my thumb automatically. "Ah I see. So he broke it off? Sorry." I didn't feel sorry one little bit.  
  
Daisuke grabbed my hand and squeezed it, letting me go back to making the small circles. "Thanks."  
  
"And you found a new tutor?" I asked, chewing on my lip.  
  
"Finally." He grinned up at me. "It's hard to resist me for too long."  
  
*No truer words were ever spoken.* He closed his eyes when I leaned down to kiss his head, inhaling his soapy scent. "Good."  
  
*---*  
  
"This is the place," Jun's voice broke through my almost sleep.  
  
She had pulled into a deserted camp ground. There were trees all around us, a picnic table to the left, and I could hear the sound of cars from behind (though I couldn't see the road.) We piled out of the car, first Jun and her boyfriend, then me and Daisuke. I pace around the car to loosen up my legs. It was cold out.  
  
Jun had walked around to the trunk and had gotten a couple of blankets out. "Here," she said to Daisuke, who nodded and grabbed them. "Yamato: here," She voice sounds soft and stretched. She heaved out a small cooler and threw both of us a flashlight.  
  
I walked over and picked up the deceptively heavy cooler. My flashlight was being held in my armpit.  
  
"We'll be leaving in three hours so be sure to be back here or we'll leave you," Jun warned.  
  
"No problem!" Daisuke waved and grinned at me. "Though I can't think of anyone else to be stuck in the mountains with." I blushed and kept the retort between my teeth. "This way. I already have a spot picked out for us." He started to walk. Jun waved as we left.  
  
"You come here often?" I tried to keep the strain out of my voice. My resolve didn't last too long and I asked, "What the fuck is in this?"  
  
"Yup," Daisuke's head bobbed up and down, "and just some food things."  
  
*Yeah, right. Uh huh.* "Food," I grunted.   
  
I walked behind Daisuke as he lead the way on some sort of dirt trail. The leaves that crunched under my feet and the night sounds were our only melodies. I have become so lulled by the simple peacefulness of everything around us that I bumped into Daisuke when he stopped.  
  
"Wow. This is it." He let the blankets drop and I set the cooler down with a thud and a groan. I stretched my arms. "Too heavy for you?" he asked with a sloppy, side grin. "I'm sorry." He slinked over to me and put his arms around my neck. His eyes eye half-lidded, almost seductive. Somehow I knew he was making fun of me.  
  
"It wasn't too heavy," I started to protect. My train of thought derailed at the first fiery soft kiss on my shoulder.  
  
"I'll make them feel better," Daisuke said, moving my shirt aside and sucking a bit.  
  
"That... That..." I couldn't even form words to describe the feelings he was sending me.  
  
Daisuke pulled away with a laugh at his small joke, though his eyes told a different story. "Let's get the blankets set up, 'kay?"  
  
I blinked twice and moved to help him set up. Anything to get my mind out from were it was. We spread on blanket flat on the ground and he laid down, patted the spot next to me. I sat down besides him and pulled the other blanket to cover us. It was still cold.  
  
"Not too cold." Daisuke's teeth chattered and he clenched the blankets up to his nose. His shivering breaths came out in erratic puffs of white air.  
  
Almost out of some instinct I swear I never had before, I pulled him closer. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and smoothed the skin against his collar bone. He snuggled up against my side as if it were always like that. The night was clear and we had a perfect view of the stars.  
  
"Know any constellations?" I asked.  
  
He shook his head, looking upward. "I love the stars though. I used to believe I had animal friends who'd come down at night to play with me. They lived in the stars." His raised his hand, pointing idly to the stars as if connecting the dots.  
  
I looked at him and grinned. "Really?" That would have been the most precious thing to see, a miniature Daisuke talking to the air. Hm, maybe that would have been a scary thing.  
  
He nodded, his mouth set seriously. "I'm not sure if they qualify as imaginary friends though."  
  
I sighed and looked up at the stars. I wish I had that sort of imagination. "I don't think I ever had an imaginary friend."  
  
Daisuke squeezed my hand. "It's okay. I don't think I had one either." He paused and tilted his head, his eye brows furrowing in thought, "At least I don't think so. I don't remember one. I think I was too busy running around for one."  
  
We feel silent, my arm still around Daisuke's shoulder and his head resting in the curve of my neck. His husky warmth was seeping into me. I felt as if I could have an imaginary friend -- no, that I don't need one and I shouldn't feel ashamed for not having one.   
  
Everything became quiet. It was almost as if I could feel his heart beat with mine, as if I could hear his thoughts. His warm, mind-swirling with my own. It was almost as if this was meant to be. I could feel Daisuke was happy and content. *What is happening to me? Why do I feel like this?*   
  
"What are you thinking about?" Daisuke broke the silence softly and buried himself further into my side. Maybe he could hear my thoughts as I could he?  
  
I blinked away the transfixed stare and shook my head to clear my thoughts. It was absolutely stupid to feel anything after such a short time. I've never believed in love at first sight, and believe you me, there is no possibility for... love in this relationship. I just want to be kissed, to do all those 'other' things I've read about and heard about. That's all.   
  
"Nothing important," I said finally. *I'm in it for the... sex. For the sex... So why was I so worried about him not calling? What were all those terrible images that flashed through my head?* I pushed those thoughts away with a mental shove and looked down at the red-head.  
  
"Liar. You think too loudly." He turned his body so that his face rest in the curve of my neck. He rubbed his cold nose against me. "You better tell me... or else!"  
  
"Stop it," I admonished gently, pushing his grinning face away from me. "I was just thinking about you and I."  
  
He sighed knowingly, as if almost dreading this subject. "I hate to tell you this, but I'm not easy. It'll be a while before we get 'that' far, if you know what I mean. I could explain it in depth, I know how little experience you've had in that area."  
  
How could he have known? But the pit of my stomach arched, as if it hurt me that he'd accuse me so easily, even if it were true. And my mind was protest: *Don't be mad! That's not what I'm truly thinking or feeling.* "I'm sorry if that's what you thought."  
  
We fell silent again. Daisuke's breath tickled and warmed my neck. Eventually it elongated and became more mellow and regular. *Is he asleep?* But I didn't care. Somehow, right then, I realized I didn't care if he kissed me at all this evening. It was nice just holding his small frame against him. It was wonderful to know he had chosen me.  
  
He was so soft and gentle and had a strange sort of childish innocence. It was almost like somehow he needed me as much as I need him. That was a nice thought as well. I pulled his close and closed my eyes, willing this moment to last forever.  
  
"What about you and Taichi?" he asked suddenly, breaking the perfect moment.  
  
And with the most ludicrous, nonsense question. "What about me and Taichi?"  
  
"Did you two ever... ya know, see each other?"  
  
I wrinkled my nose. Me and Taichi? As in a couple me and Taichi? Disgusting! I sat up and gave him the most disgruntled look. "That is the most disgusting thing I've heard all week."  
  
He giggled and pulled me back down, popping a quick kiss on my lips. "Just checking."  
  
"What about you and Ken?" He looked at me questionablely, willing me to continue. "If he were to throw himself on you right now, would you go with him?"  
  
He shook his head and laughed. "Why? What does he have on you? You're so cute and angst. It's so adorable when you get in those moods."  
  
I rolled my eyes. "Well, I'm glad someone is having fun when I'm depressed."  
  
He kissed my chin and each cheek. "I think you're adorable all the time." His head fall onto my chest and his hand slipped under my chest, stroking me in an absent sort of way.   
  
"So why me, Daisuke?" His head jerked up and he gave me a weird look. "I mean, you're handsome enough. You could have anyone. Why me?" I put my hands under my head so I could get a better view of him.  
  
Daisuke flicked my nose and grunted as he fall on his back. "You're so adorable. How can you ask that so seriously. How can you say that so seriously?"  
  
I looked away.  
  
"Listen, it's just you. Everything about you. You're smart and kind (even though you don't want people to know) and sweet... You have that untouched air of innocence around you and you sing like a god."   
  
I turned my gaze back to those warm eyes and smiled.   
  
"And your smile has always done me in. I don't know why, but there's something that is just Yamato and I find it all so irresistible." He propped himself up on my chest and smiled back. "Will it make you feel better if we're really formal about all this?"  
  
"What do you mean?" This kind of closeness was almost irresistible. His lips, smiling and parted just a bit, were just above my own. How easy it would be to lift my own head and kiss him.  
  
His fingers found there way into my hair, smoothing and weaving and tearing away the knots. "Will you, Ishida Yamato, be my boyfriend?"  
  
I laughed. "Are you asking me to marry you?"  
  
He punched my playfully in the shoulder. "It's not a joke. I'm trying to be serious here."  
  
I felt a devilish grin play on my face. I eased a hand onto his shoulder and flipped him over so that I was on top. "I don't know." He pouted cutely, sticking his bottom lip out. "Okay, you've convinced me. But only until I find a cuter, sweeter, more courageous red-head to tangle with." *Where did that come from?*  
  
He raised his head and kissed me, sucking on my lips. "Hm, I hope you have good luck 'cause there ain't no one like me."  
  
I sighed and let him flip me back over. "You like being on top?"  
  
He shrugged, still smiling. He leaned over and nibbled on my neck as his hand came under my shirt. His kisses were going to my head, and honestly, I can say that I like it this way. I like being the one worshiped as a God. He moved up and licked my ear lob. "You don't like it?"  
  
I groaned at the loss of the kisses and he giggles, dropping back to his work.  
  
*---*  
  
Band practice night. Sort of. Time: 7:00pm; date: Wednesday, regular band night; where: friends how for rehearsal. Why is this so important? Daisuke is coming! He's coming. He said he'd drop by and we'd go to my band night. He said he would give his honest opinion about us.  
  
The butterflies were already flying free in my belly, my legs already felt like jelly. Will this happen whenever he comes to see me? The feelings were beginning to make me high.  
  
How did this happen? As Daisuke walked me to my apartment the other night, I asked him. It took me the whole way up and I knew my face was bright red. I said choppily and was ready to make a run for it at any time.  
  
Except he only pulled me close, smoothing a hand through my hair. "Finally, some initiative," I heard him whisper in my ear.  
  
I chose my gray khaki's to wear and my usual plain white shirt. I looked myself up and down in the mirror. I did have to admit I looked wonderful, maybe even sexy. But my opinion didn't really matter in this.   
  
My hair was fixed regular like, except I traded my ultra-hold shaping gel for the flex hold. It would still stay in place, but it would also be touchable soft.  
  
I heard a soft rap at the bathroom door. "Yamato, your boyfriend is here," my father said through the door.  
  
"Okay. Tell him I'll be right there."  
  
I took one last sweep of my looks: I looked good. A satisfied smile graced my face as I walk to the front door. Daisuke was there, looking as good as he always does with oversized jeans and a white tee-shirt.   
  
"Ready?" Daisuke asked, giving me a look-up. I bit my lip, I think he was impressed. Or at least he had the grace to seem that way. He was silent for a good minute.  
  
It wasn't as if I had dressed up or anything. This was my normal cloth but still... I wanted him to think I looked good all that aside. "Well? Are you going to stand there?"  
  
He shook his head and we left the apartment together. It was a normal spring night, a bit crisp but warmer then it a couple days ago. Still, Daisuke pulled close to me, wrapping his inside arm around my waist and holding my inside hand with his free one.  
  
"When is your next concert?" His words form almost-transparent puffs of white clouds.  
  
"Soon. In a week or two. Why?"  
  
Daisuke shook his head.  
  
"You're coming, right? I'll give you a backstage pass and everything." I bit my lip. It was our biggest concert and I needed him to be there for support. I just needed to know that I wasn't alone up there on that stage.   
  
"Of course I'll come," he chided softly.  
  
We walked the rest of the way in golden, sweet silence. Aki's (our drummer) parents have a house and we practice every week on Wednesday in his garage. The others, Yuuhi (our guitarist) and Shinji (on the keyboard), were already there when we arrived.  
  
The band winked at me knowingly and after a few jokes and a scuffle, we got to work.   
  
Daisuke sat on a faded, almost orange couch with it's off-white stuffing trying to fall out. He sat back, relaxed, but I could tell he was paying attention fully. That's a strange thing about Daisuke, he's always paying the most attention when he doesn't appears to be paying the least.  
  
We had a total of seven songs we were to perform, all of them at the request of our almost record company (they gave us the songs to "test" us and see how the others would like us.) And the people truly like the songs, I had fan girls (and guys) throwing themselves on me all the time.  
  
And I didn't mind. I loved singing and the others felt the same about their work. The words and tunes in which we played didn't matter, it was the fact that we could that mattered.   
  
Daisuke sat up and walked to me as we started to up things up. "You were wonderful, angel eyes." He kissed my nose.  
  
"Did you really think so?" My heart was a soar. *He liked it! He liked it!*  
  
Daisuke pushed some hair out of my face and tucked in behind my ear. "Of course. You have a voice as an angel."  
  
I kissed him, right then and there. I nibbled on his lower lip as he had done to me and sucked his upper into my mouth. He giggled and opened his mouth to my onslaught. He tasted delicious; like spices and sweet peppermint and everything earth.  
  
"Whoa! Go Yamato! Get some tongue!" the boys cried and yelped.   
  
I broke the kissed and blushed bright red, but didn't say anything to defend myself (as I would have). I liked the howls if they meant I *was* getting some tongue.  
  
Daisuke hugged me and pulled away. "Wanna go for pizza, angel?"  
  
"Angel eyes? Angel? What happened to 'Mato-chan'? And yes, of course!"  
  
Daisuke stifled a laugh. "You're everything to me. I can't just call you one thing; it would go against everything you are."  
  
That was so beautiful. How can he be so nice to me? I pulled him in for a another kiss. I just couldn't help it.  
  
*---*  
  
We walked to a pizza parlor Daisuke said was the best. It looked like something straight out of the seventies, right would to the vinyl floors. The waiter sat up down at a round red table and took our orders. Two cokes and one large pizza, half supreme for Daisuke and have pepperoni for me.   
  
We chit-chatted we waited for the pizza to come back. The waiter came and set it down in the middle of the table. Daisuke inhaled his half. By the time I was finished with my first, he had already eaten three pieces.  
  
"I've figured something out," Daisuke said, picking off a poor pepperoni and ruthlessly eating it.  
  
"What?" I looked up from my meal.  
  
"The reason why you're so thin." I raise an eyebrow. "It's 'cause you eat slower the a snail."  
  
I kicked him lightly under the table but smiled. "And how is it you're so thin when you eat more then Chibimon?" (I won't explain who that is until later, journal.)  
  
He smirked and grabbed another piece, now eating on my side of the pizza. "I'm special, remember? You said it yourself."  
  
"So, you really thought we were good?" It was Daisuke's turn to raise an eyebrow. "I mean, truly good. Good enough to be rich and famous?"  
  
Daisuke gulped his bite of pizza down with a swig of his coke. "Of course you were good. Why are you so... worried about my opinion? You don't seem like the person who'd be a worrier."  
  
I shrugged, playing with the crust of my pizza. "I just... I don't know." I sighed heavily. "I love the singing and going to gigs and my band members, but something just feels off, ya know?"  
  
Daisuke looked me straight in the eye. "Well, maybe it's the songs you sing."  
  
"What do you mean? What's wrong with the songs?" Besides the fact that they sang of sex and big-breasted women.  
  
Daisuke laughed. "Most people don't find it fulfilling to sing or do things that have no meanings."   
  
I opened my mouth then shut it again. Okay, it was true that the words were all fluff and the guys hated the repetitive beats but it was the fact that they were actually doing it that mattered. "I enjoy myself!"  
  
"Of course," Daisuke nodded. "But it's like a writer who only writes things that'll get published. They're writing and that makes them happy, but they aren't writing what they truly want, which blows the whole reason for writing away."  
  
"I don't write."  
  
"You should," said Daisuke. "If you're a singer, you should be writing your own songs."  
  
"I don't really know how to write songs and even if I did, what would I write about? The trip down to the market?"  
  
Daisuke scratched his arm and took another sip of his fizzy drink. He stared at my compassionlessly for a few long moments. "As an artist, you are entitled to give the readers, song listeners, etc what is truth, no matter how painful. You should be in touch with that side of yourself." He wiped his mouth off with a napkin. "I'm not surprised that you haven't so far, seeing as you tend to be."  
  
"As I tend to be? What?"  
  
Another Daisuke stare. "You're cold, Yama-chan. Totally, terribly cold. Like you've been hurt to much and have decided just to leave, but you're still alive and I know that's not how you want to be."  
  
I looked down at my plate. I wasn't sure if I should be angry or upset or what. The rise just wasn't there in me, as if I knew that all alone. I felt Daisuke's hand cover mine, kneading gently. "I'm sorry. I know that all sounds so harsh. It's just the way I see it."  
  
"Okay; fine. So how can I 'change' then, mister wisdom?"  
  
Daisuke smiled encouragingly. "I think you should start with poetry."  
  
"Poetry?" I shuddered. That had always been one of the banes of my existence. Poor, sobby, sniffling, pale people writing about lost love and depression and crap. "Poetry?" I repeated.  
  
A nod, another squeeze of the hand, and a deeper smile. "Don't worry, my Mato-chan. I'll help you understand. I shall help you understand."  
  
I looked into those deep brown eyes, completely unremarkable in color, and say myself there. I saw the love and compassion, the need to help me, the want to be with me. It was totally foreign and it felt so weird. Yes, Daisuke had said he wanted to be with me and had touched me but he really meant it? I could see that was true.  
  
Wow.  
  
t.b.c. 


	4. 

Title: Desiderium  
Rating: R   
Notes: This is an Daito and yaoi obviously. I should give OOC warning to all of my characters, just in case. This is a work in progress. If there is anything blaringly bad in this fic, tell me and I'll be happy to change it. Review if you like. Review if you don't like. Or don't review at all.  
Special Notes: This is more then likely terribly cliché. I don't care. I just wanted to write it.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any of the characters. Nor do I own 'Ad Finem' by Ella Wheeler Wilcox.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
"Eh?" I groaned and shut the book, letting it fall into my lap with a sigh. It didn't make sense. None of these books made sense; I glared at the book in my hand and threw it away from me.  
  
Discarded library books were all around me; I had been staring at the pages, trying to absorb as much as I could, but it wasn't working. Iambic? Cinquain? Palinode? where these terms supposed to mean anything to me?  
  
But I'm not so easily diswayed. I picked up last book, one of those dumb guides. I flipped through it, not bothering to stop. If I had taken the time to actually read it, it probably would've made sense to me, but I was past the point of reasonable thoughts. I sniffed a few times before flinging it away with the others.   
  
"What the fuck is poetry?" I sniffed and wiped the frustrated tears away. "And why can't I understand it? What's wrong with me?" I kicked the books closest to me with the heels of my feet; it did little to easy my frustration. "Why is he doing this to me?"  
  
I hadn't seen Daisuke for a couple days (that frustration was adding on top of this), though we called each other a couple times each day, and I had thoughts of becoming poetic before he came and saw me again. Which would be today. I glared at the clock; Daisuke should be getting here soon.  
  
*What would he think of me? Here I am, wanting to be this singer and shit and I can't learn the most obvious thing? And what the fuck does poetry have to do with singing anyway? What does poetry have to do with anything other then love sick sobs?*  
  
I had pushed aside all those thoughts and had gone to the library, the first time in over a year, to get these books. Stupid books on stupid poetry. And I was the most stupid of them all.  
  
And what good had that done be? Nothing! Daisuke... Daisuke... I hadn't a thought in my head why he wanted me to learn this. It was like cruel and unusual punishment, it was boring seventh grade baby-sitting work they gave you; this had nothing to do with singing.  
  
But obviously Daisuke knew about this and he thought I was smart enough to know this. Why couldn't I understand this? Why am I so stupid?  
  
I bit and chewed my bottom lip to almost a bloodied state. *No.* I shook my head, calmness washing over me. *How idiotic it is to get so upset.* Daisuke was Daisuke. Daisuke could be the poetic rambler, he can speak in this... in there iambic verse (whatever that is) but not I. I'm Yamato, singer, not poet.   
  
He'll have to understand that. Compromise is a part of every relationship, right? I'm just not smart like that and he'll have to understand. I nodded. *No, he will understand it. He's my Dai-chan after all.*  
  
*And if not...* I managed a shaky smile. *I'll just have make him understand.*   
  
I fell back and linked my fingers behind my head. "Sorry, Dai-chan," I mouthed to the ceiling, imagining a sad faced Daisuke. Would he be terribly disappointed? Would that mouth pout in such a way that I feel so terrible about myself? ... Will he turn away from me?   
  
I turned my head; muffled voices outside my room broke my thoughts. Probably Daisuke. I looked at the clock; yes, he was supposed to be here. Right on time. I looked back at the dimply ceiling, waiting for him to enter. Waiting so that I could bite his head off.  
  
There was a light nack-nack-nack at my door. "Yama-chan?" He almost sounded worried.  
  
*My father must have told him about this...* But what would my father know of this? It wasn't as if I had spoken three words to him through this day. "Come in." I didn't bother looking as the door opened and shut.  
  
Daisuke stood still, observing me. I didn't turn to look at him. I was afraid that my frustration would show, that I would snap at him, crying, shouting, anything, something. I'm not that weak to be done in by poetry.  
  
"Aw, Yama-chan..." he began softly, but let it fall off. Instead he moved next to me and dropped out on his butt, legs bent to his side. His hand found my head, weaving through it softly.   
  
I groaned and did something I never thought I would (least of all in that state): I moved closer to him, resting my head in his lap, with my arms around his waist. "I'm sorry, Dai-chan," I crocked, unearthly and strange my voice sounded in my head. "I just don't understand all this stuff. I know you can understand it but... it's..."  
  
"Shhh... It's all right." He smelled good; I can't really describe it. He was musky, with a tinge of cologne that I couldn't distinguish. But mostly he smelled of rich sunny days, hot and steamy, of all things good, all things Daisuke. His voice calmed me. "I didn't know you'd go out and get all this."  
  
I snuggled my face into his stomach. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm such an idiot," I said again, though I doubt he heard me. I must seem like such a child. I didn't care.  
  
It seemed as if we were like this forever. I knew Daisuke didn't hate me, strangely enough. I knew he didn't think of me as the idiot I saw in my mind. Eventually, I felt his hands lax in my hair, before pulling out entirely. "Come on, love. We have to go; it starts soon."  
  
I sighed. "I don't want to go out." I pulled away and peered up at his down turned face. He offered me a smile and a kiss, for which I closed my eyes. "I'm not ready."  
  
He chuckled. "I think you look handsome."  
  
I smiled a bit. I didn't want to ruin our time together. Between school and responsibilities, we didn't have a ton of time in which we could spend alone. "And if I was... ah... wearing just boxers and a tee with my hair totally ruined," I paused and looked skyward, trying to catch a glimpse of my hair, "like now, would that be fine?"  
  
Another chuckle. "Very handsome, maybe more so then now." I pouted. "But we wouldn't be going out then. I couldn't bare sharing you with anyone; it's hard as it is." And he kissed me, slowly, running his tongue hot in my mouth, smoothing our tongues together.   
  
"Still want to go out?" I asked, a bit breathless, as he pulled up.  
  
I could almost hear him growl. I could see the swirling brown amber colors of his eyes and the subtle rose on his cheeks. "How cruel you are to me..." I heard him whisper.   
  
"But you like it?" I'm afraid I might have said that a bit too anxiously for he kissed my forehead and whispered:  
  
"I love it. I wouldn't have it any other way."  
  
I giggled. "Let's go out then."  
  
He nodded. "I hope I haven't ruined today though. Will you forgive me?" He gave me the cutest lop-sided grin.   
  
I shook my head sternly, a mock frown on my face. "Never." I kissed his forehead as I rose to sit. "Come on, before I change my mind." I stood and looked about my room. Daisuke was on his knees, collecting the books and setting them up in some as semblance of order. "Don't worry about them." I almost stuck my tongue out at them. "I'll pick the up later."   
  
I reached my hand out for him. He grabbed it and I helped him up to his feet. We left the room, still hand-in-hand. "We're going out!" I called to the apartment.  
  
"Money's on the table!" I heard a call from the living room.  
  
Daisuke walked with me to the kitchen, were I found a crisp twenty on the table. "Only a twenty?" I grumbled and stuck it into my pocket.   
  
I had to let go of Daisuke to get my shoes on, but after that, we left stuck to each other. The day was a normal sun warmed spring day. People passed us without a second glance as we walked down the street.  
  
"So... where are we going?" I asked after the silence got to me. I wasn't one to fill the silence with idle conversation, and most of the time I preferred silence to anything, but sudden curiosity was pumping through my veins.  
  
He shook his head widely, grinning at his own secret. "Naw uh. Not gonna tell you. It's a surprise."   
  
"Come on." I tried to give him a smile that would somehow make him tell me. "I don't like surprises."  
  
"Lair," I heard Daisuke scoff. "But let's get food first, though. I think I'm hungry."  
  
I chuckled, and suffered a playful jab in the ribs. "Are you ever not hungry?" That got me a jab back. I looked down at the smiling red-head. He was so cute. I leaned down and caught his lips, running my tongue over his full, bottom lip. His giggles interrupted any thoughts of a blissful kiss. "What?"  
  
He continued to giggle a bit, rubbing his face in my shoulder. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That just tickles!"   
  
"Oh."  
  
He pulled me close. His arms rapped around my back and his warm breath feathered on my bare neck. "You know what they say about sex?" He looked up at me through his thick, upturned lashed, watching my face. "They say that poetry is the language of sex." He pulled away before I could do anything and said, "Come on, I'm hungry."  
  
*---*  
  
After our uneventful meal (well, Daisuke kept playing footsie and kept winking at me, as if it were hilarious), we made our way down town, to a non-descript shop. I want to say coffee house, but I'm not sure if that would be completely true. It was sorta coffee house, sorta stage area.  
  
It was well lit and was filled with round table, with round chairs. Daisuke led me to the front and pull a chair out for me. I sat Daisuke skipped up front to get us cokes. Some people were writing, others chatting and laughing. It was obvious that they were all here for a reason, but I couldn't come up with it.  
  
"Like it?" Daisuke put a coke down in front of me. He startled me out of my thoughts and kissed my forehead.   
  
I nodded. "What is this place?" I asked, going back to my voying.  
  
Daisuke shrugged, taking a seat next to be. "It's a people club. It caters to the people." He scooted his chair closer to mine and his hand fell (a highly orchestrated falling, I must add) on my thigh. "I think you'll like it here."  
  
The hand was warm and had begun to message little circles into my leg. I looked down at it; it was too warm and too pleasant. It was interrupting my thoughts (though I figured I would get used to that little aspect of Daisuke; it was like tunnel vision whenever he touched me, except it should be called 'Daisuke vision'.) "What are we doing here?" I asked, looking at the red-head. He looked even beautiful even in the blaring, unnatural light.  
  
He put his finger to my lips. "It's about to start."   
  
Everyone hushed down as a plump woman, with shoulder length brown hair and non-descript features, walked out in front of the group. The quiet was stark compared to the earlier noise. She was holding a mic and tapped it a few times. "One, two, three; testing. You all can hear me?"  
  
A round of applause erupted. She held her hands up to quiet it down. "Now, we have a full night tonight and I wish that you would give them your best attention!"  
  
Another round of applause and a couple whoop calls followed. It was surprisingly loud for such a small room. The woman herself clapped, and motioned for someone to come up. Another young woman made her way up to the front.   
  
She received the mic from the departing woman and looked at the ground just a bit, obviously trying to do something to hid her nervousness. "Hello! My name is Raquel!" She coughed into her hand. "I'd love to read you a poem from my favorite poetess, Ella Wheeler Wilcox, if that's okay with ya'll! I know it's not exactly original, but still!"  
  
That was meant with another round of applause. Daisuke was clapping as well. I leaned over to Daisuke. "Where are we? What are we doing here?"  
  
"It's called Ad Finem," she continued. "My thoughts have been focused on this poem for the longest time and I figure if I can get it off my chest, maybe it'll go away." More applause followed.  
  
"It's a poetry reading. Mostly people write their own poetry, but sometimes they read from the works of others," said Daisuke, giving my ear a little nip. "Pay attention and learn, my child."  
  
She was nervous (I didn't blame her) but she smiled and cleared her voice. I felt my mind almost turn off as she started:   
  
"On the white throat of the useless passion   
That scorched my soul with its burning breath,   
I clutched my fingers in murderous fashion,   
And gathered them close in a grip of death;   
For why should I fan, or feed with fuel,   
A love that showed me but blank despair?   
So my hold was firm and my grasp was cruel--   
I meant to strangle it then and there!"  
  
My gaze turned to my red-haired companion. His hand was still on my thigh, though he wasn't rubbing it, and his face was lively. His lips moved silently in time with the woman's, as if he were reciting it with her.   
  
*He must like this poem.* I sat back and tried to concentrate of the girl, for Daisuke's sake. The poem itself wasn't back, though my lips curled up in contempt at the word 'love'.  
  
*Love... Love... what a concept... Such a heavy word.*   
  
"I thought it was dead. But with no warning,   
It rose from its grave last night, and came   
And stood by my bed till the early morning,   
And over and over it spoke your name.   
Its throat was red where my hands had held it   
It burned my brow with its scorching breath   
And I said, the moment my eyes beheld it,   
'A love like this can know no death.'"  
  
My lips formed a straight line. *I wonder what that would be like, a love that wouldn't die...* Of course I had no concept of love. In fact, I'll have to admit that I turn away from love for the most part. It's a terrible thing, love. An unending prison, and when it decides to leave, everything is sad. Look at what happened to my parents... they were 'in love', but it didn't last.  
  
What good does love bring? A slight thrill, maybe a bit of fun and laughter? Then what? nothing. It wasn't worth it. You can be happy and have fun and have a pleasant life without love, I think.  
  
And the nameless girl continued, "For just one kiss that your lips have given   
In the lost and beautiful past to me,   
I would gladly barter my hopes of Heaven   
And all the bliss of Eternity.   
For never a joy are the angels keeping   
To lay at my feet in Paradise,   
Like that of into your strong arms creeping   
And looking into your love-lit eyes."  
  
Was love like that? I loved -- no, terribly bad choice of word -- I liked, enjoyed, found pleasant, the way Daisuke kissed me and held me and talked to me. Heck, I liked even being around him, even knowing he was in the same building with me.  
  
Is that what she's talking about? But I can't think of those things as love. I don't know why, love is just a strange thing; I want nothing to do with it. *What I feel for Daisuke, for the companionship, for his hand on my thigh... would I throw all of the Christians paradise away to be with him?*  
  
I bit my lip and frowned. *What am I thinking?* An even funnier thought hit me:  
  
*Maybe.*  
  
"I know, in the way that sins are reckoned,   
This thought is a sin of the deepest dye   
But I know, too, if an angel beckoned,   
Standing close by the Throne on High,   
And you, adown by the gates infernal,   
Should open your loving arms and smile,   
I would turn my back on things supernal,   
To lie on your breast a little while. "  
  
*Is it a sin? Is that why I feel so weird and different?* I've never been religious. I threw all that out the window when my parents split. No heavenly father would ever do that to me, nor could I ever clench my thoughts and wants for my parents to come back together, Buddhism was out for me.   
  
I cast a side-glance at Daisuke. *Yes, a sin. Everything that seems good and nice is a sin to that logic.* But I didn't care. And right then I realized something too; I didn't care if it was love that I was feeling. I just wanted to keep feeling this way.  
  
  
Keep feeling this way and to keep having my Dai-chan with me. I felt my frown lift into a semi-smile. It made me feel better to realize that.  
  
"To know for an hour you were mine completely--   
Mine in body and soul, my own--   
I would bear unending tortures sweetly,   
With not a murmur and not a moan.   
A lighter sin or a lesser error   
Might change through hope or fear divine   
But there is no fear, and hell has no terror   
To change or alter a love like mine."  
  
I covered Daisuke's hand with my own and squeezed gentle. He looked at me and smiled. I felt complete in that moment.  
  
*---*  
  
"So...?" Daisuke was walking ahead of me, facing me as he walked backwards. His face with lit and happy and smiley. It was hard keeping my face straight. I was determined though. I couldn't show him that I was so easily won over.  
  
I kept my eyes to the grounds as I said, "I don't know. It was... okay, I guess." I shrugged.  
  
I felt Daisuke's eyes scan my face, and when I looked up, I saw some of the happy light had faded from his eyes. "Oh," he said simply.  
  
God! It was hard, and now I wanted to hug him. Still. "And that was... poetry. Ya know."  
  
He nodded, almost hurriedly. "But there are other kinds! All kinds of other kinds! I mean, everyday life is poetry and --"  
  
I rushed forward and grabbed him in a head-lock, and gave him a sizable nockie as he struggled. "You know," I started to walk with him as such, "I'm not sure I hate the concept of poetry as much."  
  
He grappled and pulled from my embrace. "Really?" he said, smoothing out his hair and giving me the widest eyed look. It was a combination of shock and joy and happiness all crammed into those beautiful brown eyes.  
  
I nodded. "I especially like that first one." It was my favorite of the whole group. I felt my eye brows knit together as I tried to recall her name. "What was her name again? Do you know?"  
  
"Ella Wheeler Wilcox. She's my favorite poetess as well; or at least one of them."  
  
I bumped into Daisuke playfully, pushing him to the side. "Really?" I don't know what was wrong with me, I just felt so... playful. Like a kid. I hadn't felt that way since... since never!  
  
He pushed back, grinning his own version of playfulness. "Yeah. Have a problem with that?"  
  
I inched my arm around his waist. "Yeah," I said, nodding. "I think I do."  
  
Daisuke kissed my cheek. "Let's talk about it over food, 'Kay?" He rubbed his stomach.  
  
I rolled my eyes. "That's a big surprise," I said and kissed his cheek. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to our next food arrangement. I swear, I don't know how his parents put up with all that.  
  
*---*  
  
*God! This is so embarrassing!* The door man check my ID card and nodded me in. Daisuke had told me again and again that the place was non-alcoholic (I have a strange phobia with alcohol -- I'm not going into that now) and just a dance slash club for people under twenty-one, but I was still nervous. All the places I've been to had been really creepy and shady. I had grown a fond dislike of them (despite the fact that my band played mostly in them.)  
  
The place was dimly lit, despite the multi-colored lights that wiped around the room via a ball on the ceiling. The place was huge; a dance floor claimed most of the space, a couple of chair and tables dotted the outskirts, and a bar sat in the shadows of the other end.  
  
I bit my lip. *Daisuke must be there.* I scanned the dance floor to be certain. No Daisuke to be seen anywhere. I couldn't make out the vague outlined shapes at the bar, but I headed in that direction anyway.  
  
I had been to clubs before; the small, dingy type, but it didn't compare to this place. People were all around me, strutting, dancing, spewing. I had to push past a few that wanted to dance with me, but other then that, I was left alone.  
  
Daisuke was at the bar, leaning over the counter, talking to someone. As I drew closer, the someone became Ken. A strange sort of feeling grew in me and I did my best to push it aside as I came up behind them.  
  
Still, I threw my arm around Daisuke when I got to him and kissed his cheek. "Hey," I said, cool like, sparing a glace at Ken. I couldn't see his reaction, though I wished I could. I knew it was child-ish. I knew Ken wanted nothing of my Daisuke in that way, but still. I still had to protect my claim.  
  
*My claim? Where'd that come from?*  
  
Daisuke turned and smiled richly. "I was beginning to be worried about you." He hugged me back, still smiling.  
  
"I'm a big boy, Dai-chan," I retorted softly before turning my attention to the dark-haired Ken. "So, waiting for Miyako or just hanging out?"   
  
"Waiting for Miya-chan," Ken said. "I got here early and found Daisuke. We've just been chatting to pass the time."  
  
"Well, it was fun. Bye Ken," said Daisuke, opening and closing his hand in a wave.  
  
I felt Daisuke's hand claim mine, lacing our hands together. Daisuke stood and started to pull me away. "Bye!" I said to the fading form of Ken.  
  
Daisuke smiled at me as if he had just snuck a cookie from the kitchen. He pulled me into his arms, despite the music fast paced music and all the jittering bodies, and swung slowly with me.  
  
"That was mean," I said into his spikes of hair. "Not even letting me say goodbye..." It didn't matter to me, though. Daisuke and Ken, sitting together at a bar... that just wasn't a nice picture for me.  
  
Daisuke pulled his head back and pouted delicately up at me. "Angry?" The grin flashed back on his face a second later. "Or just jealous?"   
  
My face flamed in color and I pulled him closer and pressed my face in his shoulder, to make sure he didn't see it. The foreign beat and the dancing people made me a little bit dizzy. I glanced up from his shoulder. My eyes fell back to Ken, who was still sitting there at the bar, all alone. *Strange,* I thought. He got up after a few minutes and made an exit. *Did Miyako stand him up?* I shook the thought away. I hadn't come here to think about Ken.   
  
Daisuke and I danced and danced, to the different songs and dances. Daisuke guided me through them all, until finally we relented back to slow rocking movement.  
  
Daisuke shifted and rubbed his nose in my shoulder. I didn't care. "You know, Yama-chan," he said, after a long silence, "they say dancing is a kind of poetry as well."  
  
My nose wrinkled up. "I think I like this poetry the best... better then the..." My voice trailed off as Daisuke pressed himself up against me, kissing my shoulder, nibbling a trail.  
  
"Better then this?" He looked at me, expectant.  
  
I wanted to kiss him; he wanted me to kiss him. I could tell that. But I didn't, there were too many people here and it felt too strange. True, they weren't paying attention. Daisuke sighed and threw his arms around my neck.   
  
"Why do you care what they think?" I heard him whisper in my ear. "Does it matter?"  
  
"No..."  
  
Daisuke kissed him quickly, just a peck, and pulled away. "I hope not." He ran a hand through my hair. "I know you're not. This is just new to you. I forgive you... just this once."   
  
t.b.c.  
  
Special thanks to Sapphire Goddess, who harasses me each day to finish this fic. 


	5. 

Title: Desiderium  
Rating: R   
Notes: This is an Daito and yaoi obviously. I should give OOC warning to all of my characters, just in case. This is a work in progress. If there is anything blaringly bad in this fic, tell me and I'll be happy to change it. Review if you like. Review if you don't like. Or don't review at all.  
Special Notes: This is more then likely terribly cliché. I don't care. I just wanted to write it.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any of the characters. Nor do I own the song Simple, by India Arie.  
  
Special, Special note: I went through and added some minor things to the ending of chapter 4 and fixed the chapter up as well. Sorry for putting out such a badly edited chapter.  
  
Chapter 5  
  
I was standing in front of Daisuke's front door, waiting for him to answer. I could hear his rushing and batterings and movements even from the outside. Still no answer. I knocked again, a little more forceful this time.  
  
The door flung open and Daisuke eyed me up and down critically. "Come in! Come in!" he waved. "You should know by now that you can just walk in." He muttered some other things under his breath, but I made no attempt to catch them.  
  
I slide in between the crack provided by the door and wall and shut the door behind me. Daisuke wasn't in sight. I sighed and slide my shoes off before venturing further.  
  
"Don't bother with that!" I heard Daisuke call.  
  
I leaned against the door frame in the kitchen. "Bother with what?" He was, of course, talking about my shoes, but the exasperated look he gave me was blessed. He stared at me for a long thirty seconds, before blowing a chuck of hair from his forehead, but he didn't say anything.  
  
I walked into the kitchen further, being careful to dodge the red-head as he went that way and this. He had taken it upon himself to get our picnic basket ready. I looked at the clock, we had half an hour to meet the others at the park, certainly more time then he was giving himself.  
  
But it was amusing to see him as such. I moved to the dining room and looked into open basket. Multi-leveled, with strange pastel plastic containers lined it. Daisuke was getting more of them ready, and a few were piled on the table. Feeling strangely inadequate, I picked one up and waved it in the air. "I'll load these in."  
  
Daisuke nodded, not bothering to even look at me, and went about his frenzy. I grabbed the containers and lifted each to test it's weight. Having done that, I stacked them in the basket. Daisuke skitted by me on his way to the fridge and kissed my cheek. "Sorry," he said, and handed me two more containers. "Those are the last. I would've had them done earily but..."  
  
*Damn,* I couldn't help but think, *how are we going to eat all this?* I set them in anyway.  
  
I watched him, bemused, as he worked around the kitchen -- now cleaning up. We have a picnic every year (my friends and I), where we all get together at the park and just chat about life. We used to have them in the Digital World, but all of our devices have gone dud, and we were forced to have them at a park. The picnics are always fun, it's our chance to get together and catch up.  
  
Not only that, but Daisuke and I figured it would be the best time and place to announce our relationship to the group. Okay, it was mostly my idea, but still. I can tell, whenever we go out, that Daisuke wants to scream to the world about us and I can also tell that he's been toning himself down for me. I don't think that makes him happy and I don't want him to believe I'm ashamed of him. So, I brought it up and we both agreed it was the best.  
  
Daisuke get a six pack of chilled cokes in front of me, which I added to the basket. "That's all," he said, flashing me a smile. His face was flushed with excitement. "I can't wait!"   
  
I nodded and I closed the basket back up and picked it from that table. "All set?"  
  
"All set."  
  
"Let's go then!"  
  
Daisuke kissed me and pushed some hair from my face. I purposely hadn't put anything in my hair to make hard. I liked that he liked to play with my hair. "After you, Koibito."  
  
I set the basket on the ground to put on my shoes, ignoring Daisuke's little "told you not to take your shoes off" comment. We left the building together; Daisuke actually holding on side of the heavier-then-hell basket.  
  
It was warm outside, finally spring was coming back in full. No clouds, no wind, not too hot; nothing unordinary about the day. It was just a perfect picnic day, though. We walked the couple blocks to the public park and smiled as we came into view of the others.  
  
"Hey!" Taichi shouted when he saw us. He waved his arms and nudged the others to follow suit.  
  
I nodded, and Daisuke shouted his hellos, to them. We walked a little bit hurried to get to them. They had set up camp next to the blue lake.   
  
"Hey guys!" I set down the basket in a sigh of happiness. *Damn, my arms are going to hurt tonight,* I thought as I flexed them.  
  
"Baby," Daisuke whispered, chuckling.   
  
I shot him a dirty look. Like he truly new what I felt. Him and his never helping me with the heavy shit...  
  
I cleared my throat. Everyone was in attendance (we had planned to get here later for that reason alone). "We have an announcement." That drew their attention (well, for those who had started to talk amongst themselves again.) I pulled Daisuke to me. He looked at me, I guess he wanted to say it, but it was my show. "We're a couple." I looked at the others, half expecting looks of fright and disgust.  
  
Instead we recieved claps and cheers and "congratulations!"'s and "good for you!"'s I smiled at Daisuke and he helped me set up our blanket.  
  
"Now that we're all here: Let's eat!" Taichi cried, rummaging through his basket. He looked up suddenly, flashing a glance at our basket before looking up at Daisuke. "You always like me, right? I was always your hero, right?"   
  
Daisuke seemed to scotch back at that, grabbing the basket as he did.  
  
Taichi's eyes began to water. "I... I never told you how much I appreciated it, did I?"  
  
I sighed and shook my head. "Bad food this year, huh?" It happened like this every year. That was probably the reason why Daisuke had made so much. I looked at Daisuke and he at me. He nodded and I sighed again. "Fine, fine. You can share... a little."  
  
*---*  
  
The afternoon passed in a happy, slow breeze. They had made sport of a couple games (soccer, which I happily declined; volley ball; tag; normal group games) and now were settling down again, chatting amongst ourselves. Sora and Hikari, a new couple themselves, were the only ones out of the conversation (besides ourselves). They were leaning against each other, talking under their breath. It was strange to see both of our former crushes slash girlfriends as such.  
  
And us? I was laying down on my side, my head in Daisuke's lap. He was sitting up, with his bent legs to one side and his hand playing with my hair. And as girly and sissy the position might seem, I loved it. Just the feeling of having Daisuke above me, supporting me, taking the time to play with my hair. It was comforting to say the least.  
  
And as I said before, Daisuke wasn't talking to the others. He moved a bit to sit in more of a recline and seemed just as happy to just watch the others. I raised my eyes, tentatively, to his face more then once as I tried to decipher his thoughts. I couldn't come up with anything; his face was set in a loose, relaxed, happy with the entire world look.  
  
This whole situation, me and Daisuke and the others sitting and chatting, was very simple and beautifully right. It lulled me, and gave me a reason to fall into my thoughts. Love... I still wasn't sure of it, but it wasn't the horrible green monster of my nightmares anymore. And poetry? Poetry was life? I can't say I understand that either.  
  
As we are now, Daisuke holding me, supporting me, comforting with the simple gesture of his hand. This all felt like something, but I couldn't put a finger on it.   
  
And why should I? another part of me argued. Why destroy the mystery of it?  
  
I wanted to know what it was; that was the kicker of it all. Me, the one who was "cool" and "unaffected" by these matters of the heart. Me, who didn't need anything of the sort contact and was perfectly happy being alone. Here I was, suddenly wondering what this was. Was it love? Could this be the terrible thing I've been so scared of? Or was it poetry? Could it be both?  
  
It seemed so simple, yet so complicated. I hoped it was love. A silent, cold, tiny part of me prayed that it was love. Why is that?  
  
"So, so simple," I whispered to myself. I hadn't meant to speak; it just popped out of it's own will. Is love so simple? Is love just like this? a lazy spring day, being with your friends and your... love? That's love? This lull of peace and security and fear all rolled up in one is love?  
  
*Is Daisuke my love? Is that what love is?*  
  
"Hun? What's so simple?" Daisuke asked, never ceasing his hands work. I smiled and tightly pressed my lips together, shaking my head as I did it. I waited a couple seconds and angled my head to look at him. I hoped he could read what I was feeling (playful; childish; young.)  
  
"Really?" He leaned over me and our faces were only inches apart. "Really?" he repeated with a giggle, capturing my lips. The kiss was sloppy and wet, and it tickled.  
  
Giggling quietly, I said: "I was just thinking of a..."  
  
"A...?" Daisuke wiggled his eyebrows alternatively. How did he do that? "Me? Naked, on a silken bed? Hmmm! I like thinking of you like that better, but that's just me."  
  
I pushed him away playfully. "No." I closed my eyes. *So... simple. This playing is so natural and simple.* "A, ah, song. Yeah. I think I got the poetry thing down to a razor sharp point or something."  
  
Daisuke was leaning over me again, nibbling on my ear. I was giggling again, I knew it. Why did it make me giggle when he did those things to me? I wasn't embarrassed or hurt or anything and it seemed terribly, terribly out of place, especially with everyone else around us. "Can I hear it?"  
  
I looked up at him, and smiled. "Later? I don't think the mishmash of thoughts have come together yet." *Not with you necking me like that.*  
  
"Later." It was a promise. He was smiling and his brown eyes were like molten lava, so bright and warming. I love it when he looks at me like that.  
  
Daisuke moved just a tad to kiss me again, when Taichi interrupted us: "So, how did you do it Daisuke?"  
  
We both froze, only moving to look at the group; they had been apparently watching our little display of affection. My cheeks glowed lava red and Daisuke sat back. "Eh?" He sounded deliciously confused.  
  
Taichi coughed into his hand. "Well, not to pry, but I never even knew Yamato was that way... I mean, he did go out with Sora..." He sounded sheepish, I could tell. "And he always seems so... cold. I didn't think he had it in him to kiss anyone in public."   
  
That sounded like such a terrible accusation to make; I've admitted it, I'm a cold person. Was I so bad? Or maybe it wasn't so bad. Taichi was as randy as a goat, and he had a tendency to be over affectionate in public with his girlfriends.  
  
"It was hard." Daisuke sighed long and slow (mock-sighed I should say.) "Yama-chan... well, I've been pulling it out of Yama-chan for a while. It hasn't been easy," he made his voice crack and it dropped a couple volumes, "But I'm convinced it's for the best of us all."  
  
I covered my giggles with my hand. Taichi was obviously satisfied, and I could tell just by looking at him that he didn't mind (wasn't scared or disgusted or anything.) In fact, most of the group was smiling and had at least a sincere look on their faces.  
  
Hikari and Sora beamed the most brightly; they were still attached to each other by the arms and still leaned against the other. "I'm so happy for you," said Hikari. "I knew you'd find the one out there. And in Yamato-san."   
  
"Well, it's hard not to fall in love with someone like him." Daisuke's hand went back to my hair and we all fell into a lull. It was nice, though. I liked being the center of attention for even a few seconds. Maybe that's the real reason why I want to be a singer.  
  
"How did you two get together?" Ken asked, talking to us for the first time today.  
  
"We went out together, something for Daisuke. A comedy club." I looked up at Daisuke, trying to remember why he had to go. My mind came up a blank. "And it started from there."  
  
Ken looked at the ground, nodding his head. He even smiled a bit.  
  
"That's how it happened, people," Daisuke said, clapping his hands together once. "Very, very interesting, I know."  
  
I settled back and even closed my eyes. A bit of time passed like this, before I felt an almost creepy chill go up my spine. I opened my eyes and searched around a bit until I could determine what had bothered me.  
  
My eyes caught Ken's. His face was blank, completely unreadable, but there was something in his eyes. I knew the feeling, it was at the time of my tongue. Miyako snuggled into Ken the moment before I could name it, and the contact was broken as he went to attend to her.  
  
*What was that all about?* I bit my lip. Daisuke had said that they broke off their study sessions and that was just after they had gotten together. Knowing Daisuke, he probably blahed to Ken about it. Could Ken be homophobic? Is that why they had broken away from each other? Did I just ruin their relationship?  
  
I pushed the thoughts away for later. *No need to worry about that now, with Ken here.* I decided I'd bring it up to him later, when we're alone. And from there, I felt a strange peace come over me as I fell into a light sleep.  
  
*---*  
  
"Wake up, sleepy head."  
  
The soft voice broke through my contented rest. I felt myself rise to consciousness and I blinked a couple times to wake myself. "Huh?" I looked up into Daisuke's smiling face. "Where? Oh."   
  
"You fell asleep," he supplied, gently moving my off of his lap. He sat back, allowing me to wake. I stretched my arms above my head, and stretch my bent legs, letting a low moan of pleasure escape as I did. After that, I scratched several places that demanded my attention and smached my lips together a bit. "Here, let me help you up," he said as I settled down. He held out his hand.  
  
"Sorry," I said sleepily, as I took his hand. I hadn't meant to fall asleep, it was just to comfortable. Can anyone blame me?   
  
He brought me upright and shook his head. "Nah, you're too cute. They others left already."  
  
I surveyed my surroundings. We were alone and the sky was a nice, golden pink-ish color. It was that late? I turned to look at Daisuke. He was packing the picnic things up. "Let me help." I crawled over to him, and he moved slightly to the side.  
  
I yawned widely. "When did the others leave?"  
  
"Just a bit ago. I couldn't stand waking you up until I had to."  
  
I set some thing and Daisuke came around, moving them to where he wanted them to be. I looked at him as he did that and I wondered why I even bothered. But Daisuke just continued on his merry way, seeming to have any idea of what I was thinking of.  
  
When it was packed up to his delight, he sat back and kissed my cheek. "Let's go, shall we?"  
  
I nodded, still tired, and he helped me to my feet. With our arms linked, he led the way to my apartment. We didn't talk and everything around us faded to a gray as the sunset. It was perfect; the insects were coming to life and the air was a nice cool against my skin.  
  
Then I remembered my thoughts on Ken. "Dai-chan?"  
  
"Hmmm?" he said.  
  
I bit my lip; maybe this wasn't the best thing to bring up. Then again, Ken *was* Daisuke's best friend and if they got into a tiff because Ken doesn't like people who are gay... And doesn't like Daisuke because he's gay, I have the right to know. "I know this is going to sound crazy" -- *great start genius* -- "but did you and Ken have a fight over me? Over us being together?"  
  
I felt Daisuke stiffen slightly at my side. "Wh-- what do you mean?"  
  
*So something did happen!* I'd never heard Daisuke stutter before. It's strange for me to write, but I did feel something similar to happiness and proudness. I was getting to the bottom of this little mystery and maybe it was proving that I did care (love?) for Daisuke. "Does he have a problem that you're gay? I mean, he was looking at us with such... such disgust -- it's the only word I can think of. Is that why you two broke off the tutoring?"  
  
Daisuke chuckled softly. "It's along those lines." He shook his head. "But I don't care about it. If he were truly my friend, he'd understand. There's nothing I can do about it."  
  
I pulled him to me, and hugged him tightly. "I'm sorry. I wish I could do something about it," I said and kissed his cheek before letting him go.  
  
He shook his head again. "I don't need him. I have you." He smiled and I couldn't help but return.  
  
But the whole affair seemed terrible. How could Ken do something like that? Be something like that? Ken was always so quiet, so reserved... I couldn't even imagine Ken telling anyone, much less his own best friend, to hit the road because of their sexual preference. I hated the thought of Daisuke being sad.  
  
We were approaching my apartment building fast. I stopped and turned to Daisuke. "Wanna come up? Maybe I can find something for us to eat." I flashed him a smile. "I'm not a bad cook either." Daisuke looked at the basket he was holding. I could tell he was about to refuse, so I added, "We can wash them in my apartment; we have a dish washer. Plus, I'll sing you the song I've been trying to come up with." What a lie. What song? I hadn't a clue on what to sing, but I was a good BSer. I had faith.  
  
He smiled and nodded. I grabbed his hand to make sure he didn't refuse.  
  
*---*  
  
"Let's see." I squinted at the buttons and pushed on that seemed like the right one (it said "start" -- okay, I hate the dish washer. I wash everything by hand when I was finished with it, thus my... ah, lack of dish washing machine knowledge. Besides, don't you have to pre-wash it before you stick it in there? What's the use?) It started up with a little hum.  
  
"Seems good," said Daisuke from a chair. He was grinning; he obviously thought it was funny watching me try to figure out the machine. I, though, failed to see the humor in it.  
  
I nodded, ignoring him. "I am very good." I bit my lip and chewed on it lightly. What to eat? I glared around the kitchen as I thought about it.  
  
Daisuke stood and encircled my waist with his arms. "I'm not hungry," he murmured, looking up at me. I really wanted to know how he did that. "So, what about this song, huh?" He nuzzled my neck.  
  
"I, ah..." My world was zoning away; all my thoughts were of Daisuke and how he felt against me. He had that effect on me.  
  
"Well?" His warm breath tickled my neck. I was suddenly glad my father wasn't going to be home tonight. Maybe...  
  
I pulled away, face in flames. "It's, ah, simple. So simple."  
  
Daisuke eyes twinkled and he nodded. "Simple?"  
  
*Okay! BSer, please start working. Please! What is poetry? Poetry is... life, I think. Yes, life. And so, poetry and songs should be about life, yes, that's smart.* Daisuke had his hands on his hips, his head was cocked to the side, and I knew he was growing just a bit impatient. *And my feelings? They border on love? A love song?*  
  
Daisuke sighed and pulled me back to him. "It's okay if you're nervous or don't want to sing to me or don't have a song or anything. I don't care. I'm glad we're together."  
  
I don't know how to explain what happened next; the best I can say is that it just happened. You know when you do things but you really don't do things? Arg! That sounds even more confusing. Let's just say that the words just came to me (divine inspiration?) I pulled away, only inches, so that I could look into his eyes.  
  
I licked my lips. I didn't have any thoughts of anything as I started my song: "Now that you're right here, let me whisper in your ear." I pulled Daisuke tighter, to stop him from interrupting my flow. "Now that you're listening, let me tell you how I feel." It felt like beauty itself to be singing like that. "I've been trying to formulate, the perfect words, the perfect way. I can't hold it back no more. I gotta let you know today. Its..."  
  
I started to dance with Daisuke, swirling him about like I had seen in the movies. To think about it, it seemed silly, but it felt right. "It's simple, so simple. What more can I say?" I hesitated slightly, but continued: "I love you, simple, so simple. I love you."  
  
Daisuke pulled away and I let my song died down. "What did you say?" His eyes were wide, so incredibly huge, and he looked like a lost child almost on the verge of something.  
  
I hesitated again, but I couldn't stop myself. That logical part of me was flaring, but the rest pushed it aside. "I love you." I said it again, for the third time. I don't even know if I truly love him and I'm saying it! What's wrong with me?  
  
He kissed me! Fully, with everything; it shocked and stunned me. He pulled back, apparently from the lack of oxygen, as he was gasping for breath, and said, "what can I do to make you say those words again?" His cheeks were rosy; lips were fully, slightly parted and wet with his (our?) spit; his eyes shone so beautifully.  
  
I smiled. "Well... I do work for Dai-chan kisses." *Wow,* I thought, still studying Daisuke's face, *so that's what poetry is. I think I like it.*  
  
And he kissed me again. Maybe I do love him. *Hmmm, it seemed right. I love you, I love you... Dai-chan.* I love those three little words.  
  
t.b.c.  
  
(for all those wondering, the song is by India Arie and it's title is "Simple". I do believe I mentioned it above, that was a ways up.) 


	6. 

Title: Desiderium  
Rating: R   
Notes: This is an Daito and yaoi obviously. I should give OOC warning to all of my characters, just in case. This is a work in progress. If there is anything blaringly bad in this fic, tell me and I'll be happy to change it. Review if you like. Review if you don't like. Or don't review at all.  
Special Notes: This is more then likely terribly cliché. I don't care. I just wanted to write it. And this has now delved off the path of Digimon (the timeline). Forgive that.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any of the characters.  
  
Chapter 6  
  
I glanced at the clock; it read 4:46 PM in a green neon light. I let a happy whoosh escape my lip. *Finally!* I had no work today, nothing to do really -- other then write songs and practice. I'd rather be with my Dai-chan. *He should be home from school by now.*   
  
I got up and had to control myself from running to the door (*what am I? a five year old?*) All my thoughts were geared towards seeing him. One part of me was singing "I'm gonna see Dai-chan! I'm gonna see Dai-chan!"   
  
I grabbed my keys off the table, along with some money, and put my shoes on. I was out the door after that.  
  
The heat hit me like a jack hammer. It rapped me up in it's furry blanket of pain and suffering, and the sun only added to the fun. I didn't care; I was going to see my Dai-chan. And we were going to be together. And happy! Yes, that would be there too!  
  
Oh gods, I have slide off the side of reality and stepped into something... wrong.   
  
Let me tell you journal about my happiness. You see, today was me and Daisuke's six month anniversary! Six months we've been together. Many, many things have happened: I've graduated school, got a job. Daisuke went to the eleventh grade, happily. And we still send most of our time together. Happy as two peas in a pod.  
  
So you see, I think I have a good enough reason to step out of my mold and be happy (okay, maybe happy is too tame a word for what I feel, but still.) I can't believe we're still together. It seems like forever... And I love my Dai-chan. I've grown used to that now. I can't believe I ever thought love was a terrible thing.  
  
I didn't have much planned for tonight. Just a movie and dinner, maybe dancing afterward -- Daisuke loves to dance. (It's so fun to be out on the dance floor with him, but I digress.) I thought it would be nice to plan this "event" rather then make him do it all.  
  
I started to hum my new song, throwing in a few words here and there, as I walked down the asphalt. It was so hot, I could see the heat waves come off the ground. I still didn't care. I didn't even notice the people quiz by me. I'm hopeless. And I'm getting a tab repetitive as well.  
  
I started to whistle as I reached his apartment building. I took the stairs up to his apartment two at a time. *Damn! But I do feel good!*  
  
Moments later, I stood in front of the Motomiya apartment door. It had a little white sign with 'Motomiya Family' painted in sloppy black letters (obviously some child's work.) I suddenly felt nervous, as if this were the first time I was here. I swear I must have stood there like an idiot for a good three or four minutes before I go up the courage to test the door knob.   
  
The Motomiya family had made it clear that I was their family. I was never to knock on the door as such and I always had the couch should my own father and I get into any tiffs. Mr. Motomiya even went as far as to give me a spare key. It seemed strange the first few times, but now it was like a second home.  
  
It was open; someone had to be home. I prayed it was Daisuke. The close clicked shut quietly behind me and I slid my shoes off. After arranging them next to the other shoes, I made my way into the apartment. No one seemed to be home.  
  
I checked the kitchen, living room; no one. I paused and turned towards Daisuke's door. I thought I had heard someone talking.   
  
I padded my way over to his door. It was opened about as wide as my fist. I moved my hand up to push it open, but stopped. Someone was in there, probably Daisuke, and he was talking to someone else.  
  
I paused, letting my breath draw out and in as slowly as possible. Daisuke most defiantly, and someone else...  
  
It took me a couple seconds to place the other low voice; Ken!  
  
My eyes narrowed. What was he doing here? On this day of all days! Why had Daisuke allowed him in anyway? My red-head had often told me tales of how he got out of doing things with Ken, of how cleaver he was and thing similar to that. (Of course, he told stories about the rest of the chosen, so I hadn't thought it was anything.)   
  
"God damn it, why don't you get it?" Daisuke asked, his voice raising. "I don't want anything to do with you anymore. We broke it off, remember?"  
  
A paused, then Ken said, "When did we break it off? When you started to fuck the blond bimbo?"  
  
"Get out," said Daisuke very slowly. "I don't like you. I don't want anything to do with you. I don't even want to know you. I wish I could just erase you from my memory!"  
  
I moved to the left get a view of them, shooting down the guilt for easy dropping. Daisuke was standing nearest to his desk. His head was turned towards the ground and he wasn't sparing Ken any glances. He had a very calm look on his face, though his chest was raising and falling to erratic for someone so 'calm'.  
  
Ken was standing with his back to me, his arms held out from his body. Hurt was rolling off of him like waves on a beach. I almost felt sorry for him.  
  
*What the fuck is going on here?*  
  
A huge part of me, which I can only describe as jealous, reared it's ugly head. I wanted to storm in there, to shove Ken out the apartment and maybe when mangle him up a little. Damn it, I knew there was something not right with that boy straight from the beginning!  
  
"You can't say that! I know it's a lie!" Ken broke off with a shake of his head. He was silent, though his body was enough to convey was he was feeling. "We've been together for as long as I remember," he said finally. "And you let that... that thing come in between us?"  
  
But another part of me took over. It reigned in my psycho self in and told me to be quiet, to listen to what was happening. If Daisuke didn't like Ken, why had he let him in? And when was there such an 'us' between Ken and Daisuke? Hadn't Ken shot the red-head down when Daisuke had asked him out?  
  
Why was Ken acting as if they were seeing each other? I bit my lip.   
  
I shook my head. No, no. Daisuke would have told me something like that. Ken is in love with Miyako, I've seen how they act together. Like a couple of love birds sitting in a tree -- like how me and Daisuke act. Of course they couldn't've been together. Besides all that, Ken's straight.  
  
I shut my eyes tightly and rubbed my forehead. What was happening here? I opened them and muffled a quick gasp. Ken had pulled *my* Dai-chan into a heated embrace. Daisuke was fighting him as best he could, but the bluenette seemed to be stronger.  
  
I had had enough. I pushed the door open. "What the hell's going on here?"  
  
Ken let Daisuke go with almost an angry cry and my red-head threw himself into my arms, burying his face in my chest. "Yama-chan," I heard his muffled sobs.  
  
Ken gave me a look of pure hatred and stiffly walked out.  
  
I honestly didn't know what to do. I had never seen Daisuke like that. I had cried before, but I had never seen him cry. He'd gotten mad and had screamed and we both vowed never to see each other again, but he never cried at all.  
  
"It's okay. It's okay," I tried to sooth, running my hand through his misshaped hair. "Shhh! It's okay! It was just a kiss... I wouldn't let him hurt you!" Of course, it wasn't just a kiss to me. It was like I had just witnessed a rape or murder. I had a set plan to find that bastard and beat the shit out of him for making him cry!  
  
Daisuke sniffed loudly and looked up at me through his lashes. Tears were still falling and his bottom lip was quivering pitifully. "Hate... me?" I heard between gulps of air and falling tears. The pure look of torture that filled his face made me want to kill that bastard.  
  
I shook my head and smiled, wiping the tears away with the backs of my knuckles. "Hey, I saw what happened. I trust you, don't you know?"  
  
Daisuke nodded and rubbed his face in my shirt. "I'm sorry. I'm such a baby." He tried to laugh. It sounded more like a cough. "I don't even know what came over me. I just thought..." He looked to the side.  
  
"Just thought that I'd see you two kissing -- or rather, him kissing you -- and just storm out of here without any thought of you?"  
  
His nod was smaller, more ashamed.  
  
I smiled and hugged him, rocking to the side. "You're such a silly boy." I kissed his forehead a couple times and ruffled his hair. "Aw! Do you want me to beat him up? I hate to see your virginal honor broken like that."  
  
Daisuke growled good-naturedly and pushed away from me. "If anyone is going to be doing the beating, it's me. I'd hate to have to clean you up after that battle," he said, pushing a finger into my chest. "Who wears the pants in this relationship anyways?"  
  
We both said "me" at the same time. I was rewarded with a critical look and slow nod. We stared at each other for a long time, before I pulled him back into a hug. "Are you truly okay?"  
  
He nodded again, his regular vigor returning.  
  
I kissed the top of his head. "Do you want to go out, or do you just want to stay here today?"  
  
Daisuke gave me a seething look. "Of course I want to go out. It's our anniversary." He cocked his head to the side. "What are we doing anyway?"  
  
I shrugged. "Nothing much. Dinner. Movie. Maybe dancing. Sound good?"  
  
Daisuke laughed and grabbed my arm. "What are we waiting for then?"  
  
*---*  
  
I sighed and ripped the stupid visor off my head. It was black and had the name 'Cinemark' embroider on it in big pink letters. My fucking work hat; I was so tired, I had forgotten to take it off when I left. Of all the places to get a job, I had to work in a movie theater; it was just as bad as a fast food place. No benefits, nothing to be proud of, and gods only knows I wouldn't tell anyone (well, besides my family and Daisuke) that I worked there.  
  
But it paid in a solid amount of money and no one could laugh at that. Money is money after all (nothing better but Dai-chan lovin').  
  
All I wanted to do was to take a long, extremely hot bath and just soak that damned popcorn smell away. It seemed to penetrate into the pores of ones skin and Daisuke thought it was the most funniest thing to tease me about. That and, "Will you like a large? It's only a dollar more and it comes with a free refill." Smile. Smile.  
  
My rebuff? I just point out that I'm the bread winner in this relationship. He doesn't have a job (besides "writing") and thus, I was the one wearing the pants. That shut him up every time.   
  
I got to my house sometime and somehow (I wasn't truly awake then.) I walked into the apartment like a zombie, only remember to shut and lock the door behind me marginally, and collapsed onto my bed, sound asleep.  
  
I woke with someone nudging me. I groaned and rolled over. "Wha'?" I glared up at my dad.  
  
He just smiled. "I've got to go to work, but one of your friends is here. He's waiting in the living room whenever your ready."  
  
I sat up slowly and watched my father leave. I stretched my arms over my head, arching my back until it cracked, and yawned very slowly as I did so. The nap made me feel so much better. I wrinkled my nose, but I still smelled like stale greasy popcorn.  
  
I managed to get myself upright and proceeded out the door. I glanced at my clock as I left; 4:36 PM. I had to be at work at six this morning to open the concession stand. *Stupid work.* I walked into the living room, scratching my hair.  
  
"Took your good time, sleeping beauty." I stopped. Ken was slouching back on my couch, looking as smug as can be.  
  
All the events of yesterday flashed into my head. How dare he come to my home and sit on my couch and breath my air after what he had done to my Daisuke? "What are you doing here?" I asked, trying to keep my anger out of my voice.  
  
Ken smirked. "I just thought I'd fill you in on the situation."  
  
I arched an eye brow. "What situation? The situation in which you leave my apartment or I beat the shit out of you?"  
  
To that Ken let out a barking laugh. It startled me for a moment; it was so similar to his Kaiser laugh it was scary. "No, no, no. I just want to tell you..." Ken paused to shake his head. "No, that's not right. I just want to warn you how bad of a mistake you're making by being in a relationship with Daisuke."  
  
My eyes narrowed. "Why? Because he doesn't want you?" It was my time to laugh. "I'm sorry, Ken, but not everyone is charmed by your 'I'm so alone and afraid' act."  
  
"Ah, but you see, Daisuke really isn't yours. He's just using you to get back at me. It's sort of like a rebound, except he never was interested in you in the first place."  
  
I clenched my fists. "Get out, Ichijouji, before I throw you out."  
  
Ken shook his head. "No. You don't believe me." He sighed longly and with great pity. "I guess I'll just have to convince you. Take a seat, this might take a while." He raised a hand when I opened my mouth.  
  
I shifted a little and ran a hand through my hair. "You won't leave until I let you speak?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
I shook my head and sat down on a chair the farthest away from him. "Go on. And be quick, I need to take a shower."  
  
Ken wrinkled his nose and nodded, but didn't say anything. He looked thoughtful for a little while before starting. "Well, I know you can't think of me and Daisuke as ever being together at all, for some stupid reason."  
  
"well, let's see. He's my boyfriend and you've been seeing Miyako forever, not to mention that you're 'straight'," I said sarcastically.  
  
He waved it off. "*Our* relationship started before you two even really knew each other. Yes, he was a brand new chosen and I was still the Kaiser when we met face to face, but it was in the real world. I remember the day like the back of my hand.  
  
"It was rainy and stormy that day. God, it must have been below twenty -- or at least it felt like it. Everything was muddy; I was coated head to toe in mud. I was practicing my soccer, though without much success if I remember correctly. I couldn't really kick the ball in the weather. But there I was, going overboard like I did in those days. I didn't care that the couch had called off practice, I saw it as a way to get ahead of the others." He sighed. "I was like that back then."  
  
I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Anyway, I had fallen down and was chilled thoroughly before I finally called it quits; though I only told myself that I would be back once I got into clean cloths and was warm again. I picked myself up, vainly trying to get the mud out of my cloths, and limped to the ball.   
  
"*What luck? I probably I sprained my foot as well,* I thought bitterly.  
  
"'Hey!'   
  
"I turned and watched a bouncy red-head head start to come my way. He was smiling up to his eyes and almost giggling in delight. I knew who it was immediately. One of those stupid chosen, the idiotic courage one I had thought. I couldn't remember his name, though. *Does he know that I'm...?* I shook my head. *Of course not! It isn't possible for him to know.*  
  
"'Hey!' he said again.   
  
"I held my ground, standing up a bit straighter and putting a blank look on my face. He stopped a few feet from me and tapped the toes of his shoes in the mud.  
  
"'You're a wonderful soccer player,' he chirped, obviously pleased I stopped for him. 'But what are you doing out here? It's been raining all day.'  
  
"I grabbed my ball. 'I'm going home,' I said and walked off.  
  
"Daisuke followed me, cheerfully in the way that only Daisuke is. 'What's your name anyway? You seem familiar.'  
  
"I clenched my teeth and tried walking faster. He didn't seem to get the hint. He kept pace with me. 'Look,' I said, turning to him furiously, 'I don't have time for this. I've got to get home and study. Please stop following me, you little pest!  
  
"He only laughed. 'My name is Daisuke. Daisuke Motomiya. What's yours?'  
  
"'If I tell you, will you please leave me alone?'  
  
"He nodded, blinking quite innocently.  
  
"I looked at him for a couple of seconds, weighing my options. There was a chance that this ditz of a boy would know I was the Kaiser and just needed to know my name. I'd be inviting my doom in through the front door if I told him my name.  
  
"But then, on the other side, he could follow me home. Or would, if I knew this stubborn chosen child. That would be even worse. My mother would most likely spew my entire life history to him if she thought I was a friend. That would be worse then just giving him my name.  
  
"'My name is Ken.' I tried to walk off again and he stopped me again.  
  
"'Ken? As in Ken Ichijouji, famous soccer player? I knew it!' He was smiling even more (if that were possible) and his eyes... his eyes were so alive. So happy and bouncy, for some stupid reason.  
  
"He just stopped my total being then. I couldn't imagine why he'd be so happy. Yeah, yeah, I'm the famous Ken Ichijouji, with a mile long record, and I had had people fawning over me my entire life. Both women and men want me. And as I looked at him, really looked at him, I couldn't believe how absolutely beautiful he was. I wondered what it would be like to kiss him.  
  
"I blushed slightly at the foolish thoughts. *What's wrong with me? Daisuke is... Daisuke is normal! An average everyday *boy*! And he's my enemy besides!* I couldn't believe I had actually thought of him like that. I stalked away, or at least tried. It seemed Daisuke wasn't through with me (you don't need me to explain how he can be when he wants something.)" Ken flashed me a smile  
  
I nodded briefly and waved a hand for him to continue.  
  
"'I just want to be your friend,' he said almost pleadingly. 'We can play soccer together, or just hang out.' I tried to press ahead, but he stopped me with a hand to my arm. 'Hey! I just want to talk to you.'  
  
"'You said you'd leave me alone if I told you my name and I did! I'm busy, can you understand that, you idiot?' I said, yelling.  
  
"Daisuke was taken aback. He let his hand drop from my arm and even took a few staggering steps back, as if I had struck him. I should have felt happy at this. I should have run away then, made my grand escape. I knew he would have let me go.  
  
"Instead I said, 'I'm sorry. I'm just stressed.' I scratched my head. *Where'd that come from?* 'Do you want to come to my place? You can get dry before you have to get home.' *Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! What's wrong with me?*  
  
"Daisuke brightened and resumed his natural bounciness (there isn't truly any other way of putting it. It's a Daisuke condition, really.) 'Sure,' he smiled. 'Got anything to eat?'  
  
"I was immediately regretting my words.  
  
"Daisuke yapped and yapped the entire way to my apartment, and all the way up to it as well. I can't tell you that I disliked the constant chatters -- I can't really tell you anything of what I felt at that moment at all, other then I kind of liked him being around me.  
  
"My mom took to him immediately, as if he were her long lost son. She ordered me to stop my studies for the day. ('One day won't hurt you,' she said, waving her finger at me.) She fixed up some hot chocolate while I took a shower and Daisuke changed his cloths.  
  
"We chatted, or more true: Daisuke chatted and I listened. He went on and on about everything in his life; school, friends, Hikari (though he never mentioned any 'love' when he spoke of her -- just highly respectable chit-chat) and other such things. He probably told me everything except his role in the Digital work. I let him talk, nodding and laughing when appropriate.  
  
"It got dark fast, I guess lost track of time. I think I did enjoy listening to him. He sighed and got up to leave.  
  
"'Can I come back sometime?' his voice was happy, hopeful.  
  
"I nodded and smiled up at him.  
  
"My Mother walked in with his cloths, fresh and clean. 'I wish you could stay the night,' she said. I hated it when she implied things like that. 'Ken gets so lonely here all by himself and it is a Saturday night.'  
  
"Daisuke looked at me, imploringly.  
  
"'You wouldn't have to go back home for your things,' my Mother continued. 'And our phone is just down the hall...'  
  
"Daisuke looked at me again and back to my Mom. 'If it's okay with Ken, I'm sure it'll be okay with my parents.'  
  
"My Mother shot me a look. I coughed. 'Of course it's okay.'  
  
"She smiled and ushered Daisuke out of the room to make the call. *Great, just great. Good going, genius. You'll have the whole lot of them breathing down your neck in no time.* My head fell into my hands.  
  
"Daisuke returned a few minutes later, all smiles (though that seemed normal by now.) 'My mom said it was okay.'  
  
"I nodded. 'Of course.' I guess I said that a little too harshly, as Daisuke started to frown. 'I'm happy that you can stay.'  
  
"We sat in a strange sort of silence after that. My Mother came in a time or two to drop a pillow and some blanks for him.  
  
"'You know, there's something strange about you,' Daisuke started slowly. 'It's as if I know you.' I bit my lip. But he just shook his head. 'No, that isn't right, is it?' He paused again, nibbling on his finger nails. 'But I really want to get to know you.' He was blushing very brightly by then.  
  
"*There's only one reason why he's blush and -- ew! I'm not gay! Just because I thought he was beautiful doesn't mean anything!* 'I-- I don't know what you're talking about.'  
  
"Daisuke's bright brown eyes bore into my skull. I felt as if he were analyzing my entire life history, judging me, seeing me as I really am. I looked away. 'You like me, don't you?'  
  
"My head shot up, undoubtedly a look of horror painted on my face. 'Ew! I'm not like that!' His hand touched my cheek, caressingly, and I jerked back. 'Stop it!'  
  
"Daisuke chuckled. 'I can see it, clear as day in you. Besides, you're a terrible liar.'  
  
"I felt so humiliated. How dare this chosen say that to me? After I've given him so much of my time! How dare he try to make such an assumption of me! I would never -- I've never even had such a thought! I stood. 'Maybe you shouldn't sleep here tonight,' I said coldly.  
  
"He grabbed me when I tried to make my escape and pulled me to the ground, situating himself on top of me. 'Get off me!' I bucked and twisted, but he wasn't coming off. Finally I stopped, allowing myself to breath once again.  
  
"Daisuke laid low on my chest. 'You like me here? Like this?' He chuckled.  
  
"Our noses where inches apart, his beautiful bronze face was right there! And his lean, muscular body was pressing oh-so-wonderfully down against my own. Something took over me then. Ken Ichijouji phased out and someone all together new and daring took my place.  
  
"I flipped him over with surprising easy and grinned at my conquest. 'I like it here,' I growled. I captured Daisuke lips, pressing my tongue into his surprise mouth. It took him only seconds to respond.  
  
"His hands came up and clamped my head in place. His moans were like candy to me. I came up only for air, much to his dismay. 'Sh! Sh, love! It's okay.' I ran a hand through his silky mane. 'So beautiful...'  
  
Ken stopped his narrative and looked squarely at me. "If you want me to stop at any time, just tell me."  
  
I shook my head, growling almost. "No, no. Go on, Ken dear. I don't want to be here any later then I have to be."  
  
t.b.c  
  
I know that last scene is bad. I'll re-write it to be better someday... *sighs* 


	7. 

Title: Desiderium  
Rating: R   
Notes: This is an Daito and yaoi obviously. Now with new Kensuke flavoring! I should give OOC warning to all of my characters, just in case. This is a work in progress. If there is anything blaringly bad in this fic, tell me and I'll be happy to change it.   
Special Notes: This is more then likely terribly cliché. I don't care. I just wanted to write it. I slaughtered Daisuke's personality last chapter, didn't I? I feel so guilty. But just wait 'till you read this chapter (they're all screw up!)  
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any of the characters.  
  
special notes: I truly screwed the digimon timeline in this chapter. I did this consciously. (just so you know.)  
  
Chapter 7  
  
A small smile graced Ken's lips and he lapsed into a thoughtful silence. He didn't even look at me, though he was looking in my direction. His purple eyes were large and glazed over and he sat back on my couch, snuggling into it. He sighed so softly I had to strain to catch it. "Where was I?" he asked as if he had just woken up from a trance.  
  
"You and Daisuke were at a sleep over," I supplied, making motions for him to continue with my hand. I scratched the back of my neck and slide my legs over the arm of the chair, turning to my side as I did so. I closed my eyes.  
  
"Oh yes!" I could hear the jubilee jump in his voice. "Yes, that's how we started our relationship." He paused. I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at him; he was biting his bottom lip. "It truly couldn't be called a relationship as people would define it, but that's the only way I can call it. That, or fuck buddies (but that just sounds so cold, doesn't it?)"  
  
I shrugged. "Whatever."  
  
He was rubbing his face and his voice was muffled as he said, "Sometimes we were best buds and those times were so different from anything I was used to. We hung out and went places together. I found that to be very exciting. Here I was, the Digimon Kaiser and I have the leader of the chosen under my thumb. It was a big boost to my ego.  
  
"Other times we just got together to screw each other. It was like that straight from the beginning and we both knew it. I can tell you, it frustrated the hell out of Daisuke. He hated the attraction to me he had, to some extent. But typical Daisuke, he learned to just go with the flow and a week.  
  
"And we were perfect for each other. Still are.  
  
I grunted my objection, but Ken either ignored me or didn't catch it.  
  
"And I was confused too. I loved the fact that I hung out with Daisuke -- it gave me insight on how he worked and I was able to plan a lot of things around that -- but I hated the attraction, more so then Daisuke himself. It was so powerful, so cunning. I just couldn't stop thinking about him in that way (or any way) and, to some extent, it's still that way today.  
  
"Daisuke wanted a relationship. It wasn't good enough that we hung out and screwed each other's brains out. He wanted all the hugging and hand holding and sweet talking. Christ! I was the Kaiser! I didn't have room in me to do those types of things.  
  
"'So, I'm good enough to fuck, huh?' Daisuke said, sitting in front of me with his legs crossed and a blanket thrown about his waist to hid his nakedness. 'But I'm not good enough of anything else?'"  
  
"I sat up and rubbed his back. Of all the times of him to bring that sort of thing up, the worst was right then. 'Why do we have to talk about this -now-?' I laid back on the bed and gave him a lop-sided grin. 'Come on,' I patted the empty space besides me, 'let's get some sleep and we can talk about it later.'  
  
"Daisuke narrowed his eyes and pressed his lips together. He slide out of the bed, but didn't turn to face me. 'Why should we talk about this now? What was I thinking? I'm not worth that much respect, am I?' He shook his head bitterly. 'Of course I'm not.'  
  
"I reached up and grabbed his arm and tugged on it playfully. 'Let's talk about this in the morning.' When he flashed me a look of disgust, I pulled him down and snuggled into his back. 'Tomorrow we'll have it settled.' I kissed his shoulder. 'I promise.'  
  
"Daisuke stiffened up like a board before he wiggled out of my grasp. 'No,' he growled and groped around for his cloths. 'I'd rather spend the rest of the night at home, thank you.'  
  
"'What are you going?' I sat up and he bounced a little to get his jeans on. 'You're really leaving me?' That was unheard of. Daisuke always gave in to me.  
  
"Daisuke smiled sweetly down at me and pulled his shirt over his head. 'I couldn't possibly dampen you any further with my presence.' He kneeled down and kissed me long, sweet, and hard. 'If and when you're ready for a relationship, you have my number.' He nibbled my ear and ruffled my hair and left.  
  
"I didn't go after him -- I couldn't! I was in shock. Daisuke had never been so forward. Where was my sweet, innocent boy?" Ken sighed and hit his head against the back of the chair, his forehead scrunched in though. "Of course, he didn't come back. I was so sure he was going to, but he didn't. Two weeks passed: no Daisuke; three weeks: same thing.  
  
"I had never been so angry in my life. This idiot of a boy, whose only saving grace was his god-like build, playing me like a two string fiddle. I tried to call him: he never turned my calls. The few times I managed to catch up with him, he'd always ask if I had changed my mind.  
  
"Of course I said I hadn't. He'd nod and look thoughtful before leaving me again.  
  
"Needless to say, it was driving up the walls. All his nodding and his 'mm-hm'ing and his overly politeness. And gods, I really hated it when he said, 'well, when you grow up and want a real relationship, you have my number.' I can't tell you how many times he's said that to me.  
  
"I held out of a long time, about a month or so (it felt like an eternity back then). I broke right after you guys freed Agumon from me.  
  
"It had been a while since I had last seen him and ever nerve in my body was on fire. I'd never left such a need to hold someone before. It felt as if my someone else was trying to possess my body. It took all that I was to keep from embracing him.  
  
"It was everything about him. To his tussled red-brown hair, to the wrinkled cloths, to the look of determination across his face. And when he got into the fight with Takeru... it sent shivers down my spine.  
  
"I had to go to him and I did, the next day with a handful of daisies in tow. He looked tired when the door swung open and was wearing his slept in shirt and a pair of blue plaid boxers. I knew Daisuke woke up later, but I just couldn't wait. It seemed like the perfect day -- all the sun and warm weather and blue skies.   
  
"We stared at each other for a minute, neither moving except for me brushing the hair away from my face. He was so handsome.  
  
"He cracked a smile, that grew into a monster. A bubbly light filled his eyes and soon it felt as if he were going to start bouncing.  
  
"I held up the flowers. 'Forgive me?' I cocked my head to the side and blinked and sniffed a bit.  
  
"He took the flowers and pressed his face into them, looking up at my curiously through his thick red-brown laces. 'Maybe...' he said coyly and walked into the apartment.   
  
"I grinned and mentally hopped up and down, relishing my victory. I was the man! I was the man! I followed him in and closed the door. Daisuke was in the kitchen, searching through the cupboard until he found a glass vase.   
  
"'You know, I should kick you out for coming so early.' It was ten in the morning. 'You're lucky you brang my favorite flowers.' He looked up at me. 'How'd you know?'  
  
"I strewed up an innocent face. 'Really?' Of course I had known they were his favorite. I watched him sniffing and petting the ones in the Digital World enough times. 'My good then, right?'  
  
"Daisuke fiddled with the flowers. The morning light flittered through the back door, giving him a slight glow. The expression of his genuine happiness hit with my whole being. Could flowers give someone so much pleasure?  
  
"*Of course,* I amended quickly. *He's an idiot. He's a chosen. What else would you except?*  
  
"That said, I couldn't quite stamp the giddy feeling out of me. Just having Daisuke look so innocent and happy, sniffing the flowers and genuinely touched by the simple act. We did, however, sleep together later that day, so I had completed my mission happily." Ken smirked and licked his lips. "But I'm sure you don't want to hear anything about that."  
  
I shook my head slowly and tried to put a bored expression on. "So what? You two went out. Big deal. I know I'm not Daisuke's first boyfriend. Don't expect me to be jealous. And besides, Daisuke didn't even know you were the Kaiser." I crossed my arms and gave the bluenette a long look of irritation. "I'd appreciate it if you'd leave now."  
  
Ken chuckled. "But you're wrong. He did know I was the Kaiser and he kept with me too. He knew where my base was and everything, he just didn't rat me out like any normal person would do." The ex-Kaiser seemed to take immense pleasure from the look of surprise that hit my face. I covered it up quickly.  
  
"I'm pretty sure you know the story, but after one particular soccer game, he actually got the best of me for a moment. That wasn't allow in our relationship; I was the 'master' and he the 'slave'. So when he made me bleed, I knew I couldn't let him go.   
  
"That evening, he and his friends decided to go to the Digital World to knock down some spires. I saw this as my chance to get back at him, even if he didn't know it was I. (As long as I could make him hurt, I was satisfied.)  
  
"I hid away his friends and hung up some digimon dressed as the group. Daisuke found me soon enough, and began a long string of what he'd do to me if I didn't give back his friends. I unveiled his 'friends' and then brought out my prize digimon Deltamon, a wickedly evil digimon with three heads. It was so delicious to see him terrified.  
  
"'Beg. Get down on your knees and beg me to spare one. Pick which one goes free, Chosen,' I said. 'Pick which one you like the most.'  
  
"And he did. He got down on his knees and begged that the digimon eat him instead. That was even more glorious. I sent Deltamon to rough him up a bit.  
  
"His true friends somehow broke out right then and came to the rescue, effectively ruining my fun. When I was distracted, he tackled me and noticed the blood stain in my pants. Somehow, he put the two together." Ken sighed and rubbed his brows, looking almost sad at saying that. "I think I can stop there.  
  
"He took it upon himself to 'fix' me (as if it were his responsibility.) He did everything in his power; he tried to show me things of a good and light nature, he tried to tell me that I had somehow been brainwashed (gods, we had a lot arguments over that), and it went on.  
  
"He never once rejected me though and it went so far as we never meet outside the Digital World. Why should we? I knew of tons of places to take Daisuke and he was more willing the most pleasant place he was in.   
  
"He'd visit me after each visit the group made to the digital world. Heck, when they had the camp out at the very end, he snuck out to be with me for a couple of hours. And when they finally breeched my fort -- leaving Daisuke behind was a foresight on their part -- Daisuke even knew where to go, but you guys never put two-and-two together.  
  
"After I was defeated, wasn't it strange that Daisuke was the first to accept me?" Ken asked, locking his purple gaze with my own.   
  
Of course it wasn't strange. Daisuke was like that; you could do the most terrible thing to him and he'd forgive you sooner or later. That was his nature. Our group had no reason to question his motives.   
  
"By that time, I can say honestly that I loved him," Ken went on. "He helped me through all that. He helped me see who I was and I just loved being with him. I'm sure you understand what I'm saying."  
  
I nodded numbly. "And how did you get with Miyako then?"  
  
Ken waved his hand blandly. "She kept pursuing me. My mother loved the thought of me having a girlfriend (I hadn't told her about Daisuke yet) and pushed me into it. I realized it was the only way I was going to have peace in my household." He ran a hand through his hair. "But Daisuke knew that going with Miyako was just a cover. We still were going with each other up until you two go together."  
  
I just stared at him. I don't think I had ever heard of a more selfish thing before. "And what about Daisuke? How can you confess to love him when you're seeing Miyako? And he went along with the whole thing?" I could see Daisuke agreeing, insofar as he would try to get Ken to change his ways. Obviously he had failed.  
  
Ken gave me a seething look. "Of course I love Daisuke. I love him with all that I am. And he knows it too! He feels the same way."  
  
I looked away and slumped deeper into the chair, enjoying Ken's anger. I looked at him with hooded eyes and a smirk on my face "Didn't seem so the other day. Didn't he say something like 'I don't even want to know you'?"  
  
"Shut up!" Ken hissed, his fingers digging into my faded couch cushion. "He says that so often and then he always comes back to me. Daisuke knows Miyako is just a cover to appease my parents and he's fine with it."  
  
I snorted but said nothing.  
  
"I'm just saying this for your benefit! He'll break your heart and you'll only have yourself to blame for that." He jumped up and crossed the tiny space to stand in front of me. "Don't say I didn't warn you. Don't say I didn't try to help you."  
  
I smiled up at him. "Okay."  
  
He clenched his fists and stalked out of my apartment, slamming the door after him.  
  
I rubbed my face and groaned. It hurt, a bit, to think of Daisuke with Ken. It seemed so... wrong, so forgiven, so everything bad! But that wasn't what was concerning me at the moment. How could Daisuke not tell us about where the Kaiser's hideout was?  
  
Just thinking off all those hurt digimon, all that could have been saved, made me sick. Daisuke seemed to be so concerned about the Digital World. He was the one who drove the group, even when we wanted to quit. It was he who got most of the man labor done so that everything ran smoothly.   
  
And then he would sneak away at night to fuck the Kaiser and supposedly change him?  
  
We could've gotten done with everything so much quicker. Whole digital towns could've been spared the horror of what Ken was back then. And all those digimon! And my brother and the rest, they could've been spared most of that as well!  
  
Oh, I can understand Daisuke's logic (if one could call it that.) He probably romantized the whole thing. Probably thought that he could save Ken and be the hero. And, of course, he was in love (supposedly) with the Kaiser, there was that... But that still wasn't a good enough excuse for me!  
  
I rubbed my forehead the flats of my hands. How could he do that to us? ... How could he do that to me?  
  
My hand reached for the phone before I even knew it and by the time it was next to my ear, it was already ringing.  
  
"Motomiya residence," said a chip-cheery voice after three rings.  
  
"Daisuke," I said flatly. "It's me, Yamato."  
  
"Yama-chan!" He sounded over joyed to hear me. "I was just about to call you! I --"  
  
"Daisuke, shut up." That came a lot harsher then I ever intended, but Daisuke fell silent. "Why didn't you ever tell any of us that you knew where the Kaiser's base was?"  
  
Silence. "I... None of you thought to ask," came his weak reply. "And it's not --"  
  
"Shit, Daisuke! You could've save all those digimon!" I was shouting and I could feel the blood rush to my face and I knew I should've stopped, but I couldn't! I hurt me, but at the same time, it made me feel so much better.  
  
"I know, Yama-chan! And I'm sorry --"  
  
"Don't 'Yama-chan' me. You have no right to call me that anymore!" I gripped the phone tighter and I ground out the words. "So I guess it's all true." Silence and a couple 'er's and 'ee's. "Listen, I need time to digest this whole thing."  
  
"Yama-chan!"  
  
"Please don't call." I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. It helped just a bit, but before I even knew it, I said, "I don't think I could handle seeing you anytime soon."  
  
"Yama-chan! Please, let me explain!" came his strangled echo-y cry.  
  
"Bye, Daisuke." I clicked the off button and let the phone fall from my hand. I drew my knees to my chest and rest my forehead on them. Why did I feel as if I had just ripped my heart out with that?  
  
t.b.c.  
  
One more chapter! Count that: ONE! Yes! Almost done! *does cool Green dance* Oh, and reviewing will make me write the last chapter faster ^-~ *bribe, bribe* 


	8. 

Title: Desiderium  
Rating: R   
Notes: This is an Daito and yaoi obviously. I should give OOC warning to all of my characters, just in case. This is a work in progress. If there is anything blaringly bad in this fic, tell me and I'll be happy to change it.   
Special Notes: This is more then likely terribly cliché. I don't care. I just wanted to write it. Poor Ken... I just killed him in this chapter.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any of the characters. And the poem in this fic is untitled by an anonymous someone. I don't own it.  
  
Chapter 8  
  
A months time had past. The days were getting shorter and the nights were getting colder. Autumn is my favorite time of the year. The weather's just perfect, not too hot nor too cold. The color shift was wonderful, the leafy greens mixed in with the brilliant golden colors. And everything seemed to settle down for the upcoming winter. I've always loved that.   
  
This years autumn seemed to be the only thing holding me together. I don't know why, I've spent a lot of time sitting outside, just staring at it, trying to see it change. It helps take my mind off of...  
  
And I hadn't spoken to Daisuke in all this time. Not since that last call.  
  
I sighed and banged the phone lightly on my forehead. I want to call him, but I -can't-. It's... I don't know what it is. Pride would be the closest guess.   
  
I usually took doubles at work just to keep my mind off of him, but not today. The theater doesn't like a part-time employee to work more time then it's full-time people. I had to take this day, and a few after this, off. They say they're going to cut my schedule down.  
  
It's time to get a second job. The need to see Daisuke was over-whelming me.  
  
A part of me tried to make me swallow my pride. It told me that I was being a bastard, ignorant, and stupid. It said I'd lose him and then he'd never want to see me again. It said so much that I even wondered if it where the truth.  
  
I was romantizing the situation a little bit. I guess I've seen so many soup operas, but I kinda wished that Daisuke would come charging in, and then we'd hug and have the most wonderful kiss and promise never to fight again. I could see it all in my minds eye; it would be all misty and everything would be in slow-mo.  
  
What a ridiculous thought, huh? Am I the only one who has these types of bizarre daydreams? And, still, I waited for Daisuke to deliver on my fantasy. But he hasn't shown up yet and I haven't heard from him.   
  
The thought of myself caving in terrified me. I tried to push it away as far as it would go.   
  
In the end, here I was, sitting on my blue couch with my legs dangling off the side (something that my father hates). The phone was resting in the pit of my belly and my head hung back. I kicked my feet up, one after the other, bored.  
  
The curtains were drawn back, letting the warm light of the sun bath me. *I should call him...*  
  
This was a familiar pose and pondering for me. After work, I usually can and sat here for an hour by the phone, completely depressed besides the warm feeling of the sun or star light as it hit me. I didn't even have the time to talk with my friends; nor did they come to see me -- I guess they got the point.  
  
How pathetic am I? I think I could count the ways.  
  
But today just felt different. I felt charged. It was a Saturday, around mid-day, and maybe my boredom and my eternal need for Daisuke was taking over me. *I should just swallow my pride and call him.* My lips twitched in disgust. That seemed so impersonal. How could something so... thoughtless fix the relationship?   
  
I pondered on the question a few minutes, my head bobbing up in down in time with my legs. *Then I'll just have to see him. I'm the elder, I know better.*  
  
I swung my legs over the side and reached to set the phone back in it's holder. I stood and walked to the door. My father wasn't home at the time, of which spared me all the "fathery" chats about being a man and getting things settled.  
  
I slide my shoes on and tapped the toe lightly of each to fit them on correctly. The sun burned brightly, warming me (but not to the extreme of the summer sun), and the air smelled of the upcoming snow.  
  
Daisuke's apartment building was only a couple blocks away from my and I walked there almost automatically. It took me ten minutes and the idea of seeing him again put an extra jump in my step. I even started to hum. The anticipation burned lowly in the pit of my belly, but it was out shined by my loneliness and love and desire to see him. I couldn't wait.  
  
A smile hit my face as the realization sent shock waves through me. After a month I was going to see him again.   
  
I know now that I shouldn't've broken up with him in the first place. I know how the young red-head works; it isn't a mystery. He's much to romantic and he tends to block out the whole work when he gets on a kick. He just though that he'd help the (then) Kaiser and he blocked out all of us in the process. That was normal Dai-chan.  
  
I love him for being like that. It's so cute.  
  
I walked along side the red bricked building, running my fingers over it's course surface, until I got to the entrance. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. *You can do this! You can do this!* I pushed the door open and headed for the elevator. A few seconds later, I was in front of his door.  
  
I stilled my hand mid-air at the door knob. I had broken up with him, it couldn't be quite... decent of me to just walk in, would it?  
  
I hand moved to the right and pressed the doorbell. A melody of dings could be heard from my side of the door. I waited.  
  
After a couple minutes and no answer, I rang again and waited again. A feeling of stupidity worked it's way over me. Of all the times to get my gusto up...  
  
And still nothing. I couldn't hear any type of rustling through the doorway. I look around the deserted hallway and pressed my back against the Motomiya's door. *What should I do now?*  
  
I walked out of his building a bit muddled and unsure what to do now. They were probably doing family stuff. I decided to try back later. And there seemed no point to going back home and being depressed, and I was sure my band wouldn't enjoy a surprise visit from me after a month.  
  
A walk seemed to be the most "logical" thing to do in this type of situation.   
  
I wasn't sure where I was going. I let the wind choose my direction and I followed faithfully. About ten minutes into the walk, I came across the neighborhood park. It seemed like a nice change from the asphalt and honking cars.   
  
The park was beautiful. Everything was a pleasant mix of green and gold, as the trees readied themselves for winter, and flock of birds chirped over head as they flew in 'V' shaped formations. It wasn't overly crowed, only a few people passed him, and the distance from the "normal" world did my mind good.  
  
I wouldn't be enough that I ask for his forgiveness. I think something special would be in order. But what? Maybe a song? He'd love that. He loves my song 'Simple', surely he'd love a new one.  
  
I walked-slide down one of the hills and started along side the ponds edge. I had no idea what to write about. A simple song of love or a song of forgiveness? Ducks were quacking at each other and to the front of me, a little girl decided it would be cool to jump into the pond (much to the dismay of her father.)  
  
I hadn't been to this park very often. I made a mental note to bring Daisuke here. It seemed like the right kind of place to apologize.  
  
I bent over to pick up a fallen twig and straighten to see my brother, Takeru, walking towards me. He didn't seem to notice me; his head was turned towards the ground, as was his eyes, and he seemed to be deep in thought over something (in sort: he was in his own world.)  
  
"Hey, Takeru-chan," I said with a smile and raised hand.  
  
He stilled immediately and his head snapped up. I could feel the ice cold fury written in those baby blue eyes. With a snarl, he whirled around and stalked away.  
  
I watched him go, my mouth opened a little in shock. It didn't take a blind man to see he was upset over something.  
  
The urge to find out what happened and why he seemed angry at me made me turn for my Mother's apartment. She'd know what was wrong with him.   
  
Twenty minutes later, I entered my small second home and slide off my shoes. I knocked a couple of times at the door to let her know I was entering. "Mom?" I called into the apartment. Even if she wasn't home, I could always wait for Takeru to come home.  
  
"Y'huh, honey?" my Mother's distinctive voice called back.  
  
I slipped into the living room and pecked my Mother on the cheek. She was busy typing up something (probably an article) and didn't spare me a glace.  
  
"Is there something wrong with Takeru?" I said finally. "He seems... angry with me."  
  
My Mother's hands stilled and looked at me, blinking a couple times. She cocked her head to the side slightly in thought before saying, "I think he's still upset over that friend of his dying."  
  
I nodded and grabbed a chair. Why would he be mad at me for a friend of his dying? "Who died?"  
  
My Mother shook her head and turned back to the computer screen. "One of his friend... hm..." She bit her lip and tipped her head to the other side (a strange habit she has when she thinks.) "I think his name was Daisuke something."  
  
No. I didn't just hear that. My fingers dung into the chair and I fought the fear. In a reasonably stable voice, I asked, "W, Who?"  
  
"Motomiya!" she said with a happy cry. "Daisuke Motomiya. I did an article on him. I guess he was going on the way to his friends apartment and wasn't looking where he was going. He was in a coma for a couple of weeks, slipping in and out, before he passed away." She paused. "That was about a week ago. I remember Takeru going to the funeral. Weren't you supposed to be there?"  
  
No, no, no. It was some stupid joke. I jumped up and ran from the apartment, ignoring my Mother's cry of surprise. Daisuke couldn't be dead. I would've known! -Someone- would've told me by now! Someone would've...  
  
Takeru!   
  
I turned and darted for the park. Maybe he was still there. He'd know exactly what was going on; I stand for this sick joke. Takeru would tell me what ever the fuck was going on, or I'd beat it out of him.  
  
I ran around the park a couple times and was about to give when I spotted my brother. He was laying under a tree, seemingly asleep.  
  
*Perfect,* I thought with a ferial grin.  
  
I walked up to him slowly, making sure he wouldn't hear me. I sat on his belly, while I gathered a wrist in each of my hands. He bucked and twisted and turned, but didn't succeed in throwing me off. I was stronger then he.  
  
"Mom told me Daisuke died last week. Now, you wouldn't know anything about this sick joke, would you?" I asked. My voice was low and calm.  
  
He shuddered. "What... do you mean?" he ground out, managing to free a hand. He pressed it against my head, still trying to push me off.  
  
"Daisuke!" My breath was starting to come shorter, more harsher. "I don't think it's funny that there's a rumor about his death, do you? I would have heard about it if he had died, and since I didn't, he can't be dead, right?" When he didn't answer, I pushed against him. "Right?"  
  
He ceased his struggled and his bright blue eyes grew wide with surprise. "I-- I thought you knew that Daisuke... that he died. Ken said he talked to you..." Takeru looked away for a few seconds. "He said you didn't want anything to do with Daisuke anymore. That you didn't want to come to the hospital or funeral. And when I tried to get a hold of you, you were always working."  
  
I shook my head and sat back. "No..." My voice broke and I swallowed loudly. "I don't believe you. Daisuke's younger then -me-, how could he be... be..." I couldn't quite bring myself to saying that word.  
  
Takeru opened and shut his mouth a couple times. "He was going to your place. I guess he was upset about something -- that's what Jun said -- and he wasn't looking where he was going when he crossed the street."  
  
"We had a fight," I explained in a whisper. "We were going to separate for a bit to cool off." I rubbed my face to wipe the tears away (when did they start anyway?) But they wouldn't go away. "I thought... I thought he was just mad at me and that was why he hadn't come over."  
  
I could feel my brother's angry stare. "He cried out for you. He told me he thought you hated him. And Ken was an angel; he sat by Daisuke's side as much as he could. He was there when Daisuke died."  
  
I stood up. "Why didn't you tell me? Why the hell didn't I hear it from any of you? You're all supposed to be my 'best friends' and when my boy friend dies, I can't get any of you to call me?" I clenched my fist. "And don't give me that 'I couldn't get a hold of you' bullshit. You knew where I live. You could've asked Dad for my schedule!"  
  
Takeru looked down, ashamed. "I thought you knew," he said weakly. "Ken said --"  
  
"Fuck what Ken said," I screamed, turning back to him with the full of my fury. I took a few shaky breaths to calm myself down. "You should've know better."  
  
He didn't answer, and I didn't want him too. I couldn't believe it. He couldn't be... dead. Just a month ago I held him. I just spoke to him... He was so young. Nothing out there would steal away something so beautiful from this world; it was too cruel. Where was this supposedly loving God? I felt sick.  
  
"Do you... do you want to go to were he's buried?" Takeru said after a long while.  
  
I stared down at him. Daisuke wasn't dead. It wasn't possible. I knew it and I didn't like this little game he was playing. If going to a cemetery was what it took to prove I'm right, I was all for it. "Let's go."  
  
I let Takeru guide me to a bus. After twenty minutes of bus ride and silence, we got off for a transfer. Fifteen minutes went by before we got off and it took another five or ten by foot for us to reach the cemetery. It was peaceful, with a crisply cut green lawn and gray head stones going back as far as I could see.  
  
My heart began to pound incredibly loudly in my chest as Takeru lead me down the rows of head stones.  
  
*He isn't dead,* I thought, trying to steel myself. *So what if Takeru gets all worked up in his pranks. I don't need to feel so fucking scared.*  
  
Takeru stopped and pointed to a gray head stone. You could see where the old lawn had been cut away for the burial and then the new discolored grass trying to cover the hole. I fell to my knees and let my fingers roam over it.   
  
I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It read 'Daisuke Motomiya'. Tears sprang to my eyes. It wasn't possible. Takeru's little prank had gone a little too far this time. My fingers traced over the date of death: 'September 10, 1998' and when further down to a small poem. I read it to myself:   
  
"Do not stand at my grave and weep;  
I am not there, I do no sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow.  
I am the diamond glint on snow.  
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.  
I am the gentle autumn rain.  
When you awake in the morning's hush,  
I am the swift uplifting rush  
of quiet birds in circled flight.  
I am the soft stars that shine at night.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry;  
I am not there, I did not die."  
  
That was so Daisuke. If nothing else, I knew Daisuke had to have written it. But... if he wrote it then... then... I hunched over and let out a loud animal-like wail and clenched the grass that bloomed over my beloved.   
  
Takeru had moved and I could feel his strong arms trying to pry me away. I shook him off and grasped the head stone. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be true! He would never leave me! He... I loved him! He couldn't leave me alone!  
  
"Yamato..." I heard Takeru's voice somewhere in the distance.   
  
I don't remember what happened after that. I don't remember how I got home or what I did for the next couple of months. The only thing I am certain of that time is that I got fired.  
  
I still haven't gotten over it. I know how melodramatic the whole thing seemed, but that's how it happened. After the third or fourth month, I guess I just woke up and began getting truly into my music. It seemed the only thing that calmed my heart and I've been with it ever since.  
  
What about Ken? I don't know; I don't care what happened to him. No. Actually I do. I've wished more then once that he's had a terrible life and that he's died a terrible death. The world would be the better for it.  
  
I really haven't talked with the others either, except my brother Takeru. If you can remember from the beginning, he's the bastard that got me to write this. He still talks to me (I'm his charity case, I guess.) I think the others don't believe me when I say I had no idea of Daisuke's death (back then.)  
  
What now? Well, you, my dearest journal, have a date with the fire place. I'll be damned if any of this reaching past this room.  
  
I have no more to write. It's been fun, journal dear. Goodbye.  
  
THE END  
  
*hides behind shield as people throw rotten tomatoes* Hey, I spelled it all out in the first chpt. What are you complaining about? Oh, and I've been thinking about writing a side story to go along with this one, told my Daisuke's POV (or Kens, not sure) to clear out the holes in this one (hey, Yama didn't know everything.) But that's still up in the air. 


End file.
